Writing

I'm reading Rita Dove's book 'Playlist for the Apocalypse' and I do pray that I have the strength to write another book. I hate living with all these mental illnesses. I hate schizophrenia so much. I hate how I struggle. I hate the embarrassment. I hate the anxiety. I hate the misunderstanding that I feel from people. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it so much. Some days I hate everything about my life and remaining grateful gets so hard. This morning was one of those days. Why do I struggle? Why do my people struggle? Why does my name mean nothing to anyone? Why is my importance in this world diminishing?

I've been reading so many Christian novels and they are so beautiful. I am trying my absolute best here on this Earth. I'm trying to be strong, even though most times I feel like the weakest link. I''m also scared to write another book because I don't want to offend anyone with how I truly feel about them and the way they treat/treated me. Recently, I changed my number and it was scary for me. I have so much attached to my number and letting all that go really scared me to my core. Why do I hang on to such miniscule things? For what? I changed my number because my family and old friends were harassing me and I was tired of it. I was tired of people asking me for money. I just got out the hospital less than 2 months ago and the asking, the calling, the texting, the outpouring... I never get a break. I need a break. I need peace. Leave me alone, gosh. It's too much.