I am living within the sweet, precious memories of my late twin brother Sidney. I have become his voice over the years as I am writing our story right now. I love the title of this chapter as it is such a sensitive topic. Grief is so sensitive. It is a powerful topic that holds so much weight, especially for me. Grief took over my life... It lead me to multiple psych ward stays, homelessness in NJ, and living off of social services for many years because the grief wouldn't let me work. This is how it feels when you know someone died for you. Sometimes it feels good. Sometimes it feels bad. Sometimes it's too much, sometimes it is just enough to remain the manna for my day. I miss my brother dearly and I never got the chance to really grieve him as I had to work two days after identifying Sidney with a gun shot wound in his brain. It was tough, but I tried my best. How does it feel when you know someone died for you? It feels like they didn't deserve it. They didn't deserve the cruelty. They didn't deserve the pain, but they took it for me in stride. They took it. For me. How does it feel? It feels hopeless sometimes, as my hero has died. What do you do when your hero has taken the spear in the heart for you? Huh? Many people have told me how to grieve my brother, but they didn't go to the morgue with me and identify him with a gun shot wound in his head and then return to work immediately after. They don't know that pain. They don't know. They didn't know Sidney and I feel so alone in that many days of my life. How does it feel to be so loved that someone puts you before their own mortality?
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