Humiliated

One of the most humiliating occurences in my life would be going through domestic violence. It's confusing, frustrating, and just an ugly thing to ever deal with. One of the hardest things I had to deal with is not having anyone to talk to during the time. Nobody that understood. Nobody that said, "This is abuse." "This is costing you your life." My first "serious" relationship was with someone who was much older than me when I was around 15-16. He wanted me to financially fund his dreams and put my dreams on the line for him. I look back and see so many issues with his family, his actions and words towards me, and the state of delirium that he left me in. I never told his family that he choked me for $20. I never told anyone that he tried to boil my face in water for "having another man in the house". I kept it all inside. I cried alone. I sulked on my own. It was a tedious process trying to heal from that relationship. In my mind, I wanted to go back to the person that I was before I met him. I wanted to be Nicole again one day. It didn't help that Sidney passed close to when we broke up. It didn't help at all. His family never cared for me and it took until (embarrassing to admit) this year for me to finally realize this. They preyed on me and treated me like trash. It took me so many years to realize that this person never looked at me as a human being. No, I was a means to fund his dreams while I worked 100+ hours some weeks while he refused to work or contribute to anything. When I tried to tell his mother, she yelled at me which has made things so awkward in my healing process. That relationship caused such a distance with my friends and family. The 15-year-old Nicole who loved being with her friends and working hard had turned into someone just trying to survive into tomorrow without being gaslit. That relationship still saddens me because I was a minor. A literal child. And I had nobody to protect me, look out for me, and say this is so wrong on so many levels. I still grieve that little girl. On terms of my previous marriage, it was so traumatizing. It was so detrimental to my health that I had a medical emergency after my divorce and almost died. That is the cost of domestic violence. Your life. I have wounds that healed, but they have left scars on my mind, body, and soul. As a survivor, it is never easy. The family harrasses and undermines you, your abuser "gets away" with so much in the legal system, and you're sometimes left looking like the "crazy" one. It's so hurtful. I love myself, despite what my abusers have told me my whole life. I've heard so many bad things about myself from the people that once were in my life. I've heard that I'd never be anything but a hoe sucking dick, nobody loves me, and nobody ever will love you but me. I've heard alot and gone through alot. I will always grieve that "old Nicole", but it has made me so hypersensitive to the ones that are in my life. I am caring, I am loyal, I am giving. Because I know what it is like to be surrounded by those who could care less about you and say some of the most horrible things to your face and behind your back. It's not a nice feeling. I've found community with other survivors who understand how manipulative and sick some of these people can really be. How things can all be turned on you with nobody to talk to or run to. How the fingers can be pointed in your direction and you can be left feeling voiceless and powerless. I try my best everyday to take care of myself, remain powerful, and also educated and insightful. Especially as a doula dealing with clients intimately. I will never forget what I've been through, who abandoned me, and who turned their back on me when I needed them the most... But I also now have an open heart to those who love me, who understand me, and show grace for all I've been through. Kindness is a blessing. Grace is a character trait to behold.