Sadié Sidney

If I die tonight... Will I catapult as a mysterious enigma who shaped the world with her words Or will I be as miniscule as an ant Easily crushable and forgotten over time If I die tonight... Will my published poems touch the lives of millions who've never heard of me Or will the world continue on.. Never acknowledging my heart and will to live after atrocity If I die tonight... Will I be the superstar that I finally always dreamed of The superstar that I prayed about when my dad used to sneak into my room The superstar that I can almost touch... almost taste... but never officially got the breakthrough to be... Will it come in my death Or will I fall out of grace and have the ones who turned on me be seethed with relief If I die tonight... Will it all be worth it Will I reach a heaven with open arms Or will I fall into a dark abyss that leads to nowhere Free falling as Allah has deemed me unfit for his graces If I die tonight... Will the ones who hurt me ...

When I was in school, I had brief moments of bullying. They never lasted long and I really don't think the word bullying even applies to me mostly. I was definitely made fun of, but truly everyone was. I was no different or special in anyone's eyes. Though when I got to eigth grade... My social circle completely turned on me. I was in TAG classes, so I mostly hung out with those group of kids. At times, I found myself the butt of a few jokes like being called 'skittle titties' because my breast were so small. But the jokes were never too serious and they were pretty light hearted. But, when my breasts grew to a triple D in eigth grade and my hips spread... People started to take notice, including my friends. At first, things were ok. But then, things took a sinister turn when my mother was admitted into the ICU after having a stroke. One of my best friends started an untrue rumor about me and started bullying me. She would throw things at me in class. She would throw my...

Today, I finally finished the book 'My Friend Anne Frank' which is about a Holocaust survivor. It was a very emotional read and I wish I knew of her when I was younger to give me hope. When I think of that little girl named Nicole, I think of hope... I hoped one day I would be something. Anything. In any way. I am the most sensitive person that I know and how I managed to survive living with my parents is a miracle. With my dad hitting me, stealing money from me, and molesting me... The only thing I could think of was hope. I won't lie... Sometimes my hope was running thin. Sometimes I cried myself to sleep because of the prison I was living in. I'm not sure if I talked about this in my blog, but I remember the first time I saw my dad's erect penis. I was under the age of 6. Every night he'd give us Nyquil to knock us out so he could sneak into our bedrooms. On this occasion, he gave us the Nyquil in his bedroom and when I looked down... I wanted to throw up. I ...

Well... I'm hanging in there. I meant to make a post on father's day, but I was so sad and just not feeling my best. Since I was a little girl, I always wanted a father. I always wanted someone who could walk with me down the aisle and be there in my decision to get married. Not having either of my parents there for my marriage hurt me in a way that I can't describe or put into words. Without Sidney and my grandma, I feel so lonely and alone. I feel like I have no direction or no purpose, despite everything that I've accomplished. I feel lost.... I remember reading this book called Everlost and it was one of the best books I ever read along with a book named House of the Scorpion. In the book Everlost, they talk about living in a dimension where you're not yet dead but stuck in the middle between life and death. You are essentially "everlost". Poetically, I think that book to stand for so many things and ideas that are existent in this world today. I think...

I heard about soap nut shampoo and I'm thinking about creating it. My hair is getting stronger and it's starting to become so beautiful in it's own way. I wish I started doing my hair in high school, I would've saved so much money.

Starting this new career as a doula is sometimes triggering. Going to the doctor and being seen can sometimes be soo traumatic. I'm not used to things like that because my family didn't believe in going to the doctor. As a kid, my father opted out of us having shots. So, now that I'm in a place where I'll be surrounded by medicine, it feels different. I have to advocate for my clients, but also when should I let things be? When should I speak up and when should I stay silent? I struggle with that in my own life. Yesterday, I had a prenatal with a client and we talked about how traumatic it can be going to the doctor. Me, personally, I usually go to Planned Parenthood for anything related to my womb because they have experience with DV victims and rape survivors and they're always gentle. I had an IUD placed in by body a couple of years ago by Planned Parenthood and I started having weird symptoms so I went to an OBGYN in Exchange Place. For some reason, I remember b...

I have so many big, big, big dreams and so much I want to accomplish! Sometimes I feel like I'm getting closer, which drives my anxiety through the roof. Because once I get there, then what? Will I finally be happy? Will something bad happen to me or another one of my loved ones? I get scared of everything because of what happened to me. Sometimes I feel sad because I'm nowhere near where I want to be. But I'm learning that's ok and I'm working with what I got. That's all I can do.

My mother told me I was ugly when I was six years old. She beat me on multiple occasions as she loved to slap the glasses off my face when she beat me. She'd make me pick the glasses up off the floor and then she slapped them off again. She told me that she didn't want to be my mother anymore. I forgot how sinister my mother could be until yesterday. I was named a poet laureate and she got upset because they used my book as my submission. So, now she said she's planning to take legal action against me. When I read 'I'm Glad My Mom Died', I really felt that.... I feel so alone in this. Nobody understands except my family. They told me I should never talk to her EVER again, but I was worried about her because she's sick on chemo. Which is interesting because the author of 'I'm Glad My Mom Died' also had a mother that died on chemo. I struggle with the relationship with my parents because nobody understands abusive parents. They don't understand...

The psych ward was.... not fun. It was soo dangerous there. I remember when I was becoming violent to the policemen and they lifted me up, laid me face down on the bed, pulled my pants down, and sedated me. I never felt so violated in my life. They also pulled it down where I have my tattoo on my butt, so I was embarrassed. I hate the psych ward. Everytime I go, I try to promise myself NEVER to go back. I remember they had to trick me to go to the hospital. They promised me I'd be back home immediately, but instead I spent a week in a psych ward in Jersey City. I didn't even know where I was until I left because you can barely see out the windows. the windows are barred. Yeah.....