Sadié Sidney

I may take my hair out this pony tail and wear it out with a dress

I was reading that in my bible tonight and it made me feel so hopeful. I was actually thinking today how stupid I was for moving to New York/Jersey. I came here with a book bag and 1 suitcase and made so many promises that I was going to do something major with my life. I had no idea how I was going to do it and damn sure aint have no money to make something substantial happen. I'm a little proud of me for trying my best, I truly am... I tried my best and that's something to be proud of, nonetheless. I moved up here at 19 years old all by myself. I would NOT want my 19 year old daughter doing all that by herself, but I just wanted something new from Atlanta. Something different. I admire people who move to different countries/continents. I want some of their guts and bravery.

My dad gave us permission to explore the park mostly by ourselves. He went some places with us but I guess we were annoying him so he left us alone lol to go have fun. Or maybe he just wanted to give us space to have fun as kids. But, either way, this was one of the best days of my life.

I'm curious to see if it'll still be curly if I change the base of my chebe paste. I'm almost out of my chebe paste so I'm going to have to get another leave in soon anyways.

My neighbor gifted me this bible when I got out the psych ward. It has saved my life and filled me with hope and grace. I've been reading it everyday for a little bit (10 pages a day) and I can see/feel the difference.

I'm taking 4 classes. A few of the classes, I have no idea what's going on or how to even navigate. But it's my first day at this school ever so I'm sure I'll figure things out.

How did I write and post 800 posts already? I divided it by the years I've been writing in this blog and it's about 267 posts a year. That's so interesting... I have a very microblog as I only have 16,000 reads which equals out to about 2 reads per post. But I'm so thankful for this blog. Friday night/Saturday morning was so rough for me... Every day is rough, but THOSE days felt impossible to get through. One of the first things I did was write in this blog and that ultimately made me feel better. Even if I only have 2 readers per post, I think that counts for something. I say that because when I first started, nobody was reading this blog. And I say that all the time because I was so embarassed when I found out all the views on my blog were from my silly goose self. Now, we're averaging about 300-400 reads per month. That counts for something. I hope this blog is something that can keep at least one person going.. Schizophrenia sucks and I suffer every single day....

How is my hair still curly after 5 days without adding product? I wish I had chebe powder when I was broke in high school. I would've saved so much money as I always had to save to afford to pay for braids. I always wanted to wear my hair curly in high school and I had no idea how. Someone told me "It's the products you use" so I would try all the curly products and I'd look a mess. I'd do twist outs, braid outs, you name it. And none of them would hold curls. The most would be for a few hours. I really do feel like I'm coming up into a new era of my life and my hair is coming with me.

"You're mine" "I won't let you go" were the last phrases I heard from my ex when I tried to break up with him. Not only was I seen as a person without my own decisions and my own autonomy... I wasn't allowed to leave my financially, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically abusive ex. I was not allowed to stand up for myself. This topic gets easier as I write more about it, but I remember when this first happened I felt sick to my stomach. I would hyperventilate.. I would cry with snot running down my nose. The abuse started financially. He would demand money from me and I'd sadly oblige. That's one of the most embarrassing parts of this whole situation. I was working up to 3 jobs in Atlanta, sometimes working 70+ hours a week. While my ex drove around and smoked weed all day. He used my money to fund his lifestyle while I worked my ass off and even then.. I still wasn't enough. I still wasn't doing enough for him. One day I had eno...

Last night was such a rough night.. I called 988 four times. I don't remember speaking on my trip to Atlanta because it was so traumatizing. My uncle slut shamed me for taking naked pictures and said he wanted to slap me. My mom told me that she doesn't want to be my mom anymore. Hurt is not the word. Broken is not the word. I don't have the words or the vocabulary or the intellectual property to truly express the hurt my family has put on me since I was born. I feel beyond scarred, I feel scorned. Forever the forgotten child. Forever the problem child. I envy the people that say "family is everything". In reality, I want to tell those people to go to hell. You don't know MY family. You don't know how many nights I had to act like I was sleeping under my covers while my dad snuck into my room at night. You don't know how it feels to have your mom say that you're ugly and nobody wants you. You have no idea the pain that abused children walk around ...

Yesterday I had soo much anxiety. I felt hopeless. I felt worthless. I felt like I'd never get to where I need/want to be in life. Today... I feel so much better. I do have a special purpose in this life, just like everybody else. I prayed to St Expedite and I chanted with one of my buddhist sisters. I have to keep reminding myself to take things day by day. Moment by moment. I am very blessed and loved.

This is my FIRST time in my life (other than when I'm swimming) that I've worn my hair curly outside. I put the chebe powder in it with a conditioner and it made my hair sooo curly and beautiful. I have always been so apprehensive about wearing my natural hair.. I feel like I'm not beautiful with my natural hair. I remember when I was in second grade and I wore my hair in an afro and my classmate yelled when she saw me. She yelled, "Oh my GOD, what happened to your HAIR?" My second grade teacher pulled my classmate aside and gave her a talking to and let her know that natural hair is beautiful. I don't know if it was the reaction of my classmate or when my dad said that I have "slave hair". Or maybe the fact that my mother refused to touch and tend to my hair. I'm not sure where this insecurity comes from, but I feel myself growing. I feel myself healing. Because I'm doing things that I've never done before. I still have so much anxiety,...

so close to finishing

They are the best plants, I've had them for years and they're trying their best. I want to talk to my plants more but I haven't felt like doing it lately.

it's the simple things that make you beautiful ❤