Sadié Sidney

I love my best friend Salomon so much. He's the only person who doesn't trigger me or give me anxiety. I never text or call people first because if they're busy and don't answer, it will make me want to cut myself. It reminds me of when my brother passed away and nobody answered their phone for me. Everybody was busy. Nobody had time to console me. But with him... it's different. It's so gentle and heart filled. Every interaction between us is filled with grace which I'm forever grateful for. He's from Africa, but he graduated from Cornell, which leaves me filled with wonder on how the hell he managed to do that. Everything about him represents humility. For some reason, I'm really close to people who have been bullied. He was bullied when he came to America and he just... gets "it". My nephew is being bullied in school right now. One of the other kids told him that he's the reason that "black lives dont matter". As an aunt, I

I am not enough because my dad said I have slave hair I am not enough because when Sidney died, everybody stopped answering their phone I am not enough because I am not smart enough to even get my associates degree I am not enough because my modeling career failed I am not enough because I always love my partners more than they love me I am not enough because I cry about everything I am not enough because my body has stretch marks everywhere I am not enough because I'm not strong enough to be a leader I am not enough because I'm schizophrenic I am not enough because I'm always being used by my partners I am not enough because my dad molested me I am not enough because I always choose partners who dont appreciate me I am not enough because I allow people to disrespect me I am not enough because I can't let it go I am not enough because I always overstay my welcome I am not enough because my better half is dead I am not enough because I couldnt live off of

I had no idea that I would feel so useless during my new career. Everything hurts. Every time a client doesnt text back. Every effort wasted. On Wednesday, all I could think was "Nicole, you're not good enough." "You do everything wrong" "Nobody wants you around" And I've talked to other doulas and at times they feel the same way. Self care is so important in thei career and I'm finding ways to care for myself. I have to care for my heart. When I get home, I just want complete silence. I just want to lay down and be all alone forever.....

The emotional capacity that you have to protect and uphold is not easy to maintain. At the beginning stages of my career, I am realizing that. As my career grows, I will get better and better.

I got hired for a new postpartum client! I am so excited!! So far, I have been doing volunteer Postpartum work with Postpartum Support International. This is my first postpartum client since I've been volunteering so I am so so grateful. I will be spending the next two weeks with her, supporting her and her baby girl. She's a sweet baby, I heard. On another positive note, Columbia bought me a new computer!! I was wondering how I was going to be able to get a new computer and they sent me an email saying they bought me one! I am so grateful for all of these blessings and good news. I've been struggling lately with so many things and battling so many things. I am happy that career and school wise, things are working out for me <3

My private practice is growing so much! I have a few clients under me and then I have a meeting this Friday for a new client. I am absolutey nervous but excited! I haven't gotten into birth work for awhile, but I've been volunteering with PSI since October (helping 10+ mothers through postpartum recovery). My fellowship at Columbia is in two weeks like ahhhh! I really don't know what to expect from this fellowship, but it should be amazing.After this fellowship, I'll be a full-time doula which makes me so proud but my imposter syndrome loves to kick in when I'm feeling good and when things are going good for me. Every time I get a new client, I always ask "Can I handle this? Will I do a great job?" Sometimes I can be a nervous wreck over small things. I have to remind myself that it's step-by-step, one breath at a time. That seems to calm me down sometimes. Yesterday I felt HORRIBLE. I literally didn't even see the point of living anymore, but toda

I completed a 60 question quiz this morning at like 5 am. For the rest of today, I have a 500 word essay, 4 page assignment, and a 75 question quiz. I hate finals week because it's more work on me, but that's ok!

I love Monica Lewinsky so much!!!!!!!!

Since I was younger, I've always been happier on my own. I never really saw myself having kids. I always saw myself traveling and doing my own thing. As I'm getting older, it's getting harder to do that because the roles that I hold in my life. But I've been thinking alot about studying abroad on my own and traveling on my own. I'm signed in London, but I never even visited my agency. I have to go visit them. Very soon. They're my mother agency, so I need to be sending them other agencies for me to sign to. I've just been swamped with finals, stress, and anxiety. Stress and anxiety take up a large portion of my day because it makes it harder to get through. Every little thing gets on my nerves. Everything hurts.

closer to my dreams is my favorite song

Throughout my life, I have always had somethbg against me... deterring me from my goals. Now I'm at a place where things are shedding.. people are shedding.. I'm growing. Within this season, I cannot wait to shine in my silence. Shine inside out. It's scary because I've always been super unfortunate in life. Especially in my childhood with having my first rape kit at 5 and having to testify against my father at just 5 years old in court. And then ultimately losing and having to live with my father... So many days I wanted it all to end. I wanted to cut it away. I wanted to starve it away. I wanted to hurt myself until it went away. Things are getting better, but it's step by step. I have to keep reminding myself to slow down. But yeah... Everyday I'm trying. Some days I want to disappear and never come back. Change my number and never look back. It's such a tempting feeling. I really want to read Gone Girl now. Me and my sister loved the movie!

This might be my hide away spot. I love it here...