Sadié Sidney

Overwhelmed with love....

I absolutely adore reading Christian novels. They have so many themes that are relevant. Hurt, fear, anxiety, love, care, gentleness.. It always warms my heart when I read one or watch a Christian movie. My favorite Christian movie is 'Fireproof'. I'm excited to finish this book. It's so interesting that I read 100 pages in one day. Like I said, I do want to start over and change my life. I really want to move out the country, but I've gotten so comfortable where I am. And I'm scared to come out of my comfort zone. Terrified. Moving to New York was scary but it was done and now I'm ok. Doing much better. So I know I can do it. I also don't want to rush into leaving the country and I go somewhere that I'm unsafe and I don't have stability. Just alot to think about.. But I can go as slow as I want.

I'm thinking of booking a photographer for this dress because it's so pretty

Every day I read a book on the couch and she joins me. It's so relaxing. Sometimes we take a nap together on the couch. She loves cuddling and snuggling with me. When I first rescued her from finding her on the streets, she had stomach issues. Really bad. She'd always be pooping everywhere and we had to clean it up. Her bottom was always dirty with feces. My ex husband loves animals and he was the one who usually cleaned uo after her while I complained about not seeing things through with her. He told me that I can't abandon her and we have to keep her. He helped me alot with her because I was still recovering from a bad schizophrenic episode and I was in no way financially able to afford to take care of her. Her stomach did heal and she's very healthy as of today. I get sad thinking if I would've gave her back to the streets, she's such a big part of my life. She's my sweetheart and I'll never forget her or leave her. Her name is Ore Ofe, which means g...

I'm so excited to get my DNA results back, but also shocked. I'm mostly African, with like 40%+ Nigerian blood. I'm speechless. My sister was making fun of me saying "What if it comes back that you're Nigerian" and the whole time I'm Nigerian fr. That actually explains alot. I cannot wait to get my bachelor in Africana studies. I truly want to get my doctorate, but I'm taking my time. No rush. I just got the reat of my shots for school today and sent them in.

I still have a really small, micro blog but it has grown so so much

I want to write another book so bad, but I feel like I lost my voice due to me taking my meds. My voice, my power.. It's just not the same on my meds. It's different. But I am definitely thinking of writing another book. I could write 200-300 pages, but I just feel like the story is still being written.

I've been sitting still and reading two books a week. I'm excited to finally be getting all these rented library books out of the way. I have like 8 library books that need to be returned. I love taking the bus or walking to the library, it's so peaceful and quiet. Well lately, I've been wanting to start my life over. Just start over from the beginning. Let the past go.. Starting today. It will be exceptionally hard to let go of old habits and toxic connections, but I'm trying. I'm trying to make better decisions for me and for my future family. Once again, I'm trying. School starts next month and I want to be prepared for it. I want to focus fully on that. I want to get my bachelor's degree for sure. I do want to eventually get my doctorate, but I'm taking things step by step. Bachelor's, masters, and then PhD. Step by step. Breath by breath. I'm already more than half way through my bachelor's program, just a little more to go. The next...

This moment meant alot to me. To us. Now I have Sidney with me everywhere I go... Never forgotten.

There's times where I don't think about my brother being murdered and I'm grateful for the few moments where I don't obsess over what happened to my twin brother. Sometimes when I think about losing Sidney, I can't eat, sleep, think, walk, talk. I can't do anything. It's like I'm paralyzed. I used to be so ANGRY about what happened to him. Now I feel a heap of peace knowing that he's in a better place. I know that my brother is an angel and he was/is so precious to me. All of our memories mean so much to me. It was always Sidney and Nicole. Every day. EVery moment. I used to feel so hopeless without him, because I didn't see any hope for my life. Now I live knowing that I do have a purpose and it will be fulfilled on this earth. And once that purpose is filled, I too, will be in a better place.

I finished the book on healing. I read it cover to cover and I really liked it. I felt motivated today to read 50+ pages and start a new book. I'm really anxious to read this book because it talks about a horse accident. When people get hurt, I get anxious and sad. I'll probably pace myself when it gets to that part but I'm happy I'm reading. I have 5 other books I need to finish and return to the library.

feeling God's love and care for me....

I love this book so much, and like all the other books I've read throughout my life, I just wish it would never end. It also has made me face myself and everything that I need to improve to be a better sister, friend, and just overall person. One thing that I've always struggled with is low self esteem. I don't think I deserve to be happy. I don't think I deserve nice things. I don't think I deserve nice people who genuinely care for me in my life. It is so so hard for me to get out of that space and out of that mentality. It's just not easy. I have had people say and do really messed up things to me that have not just impacted the way I view myself but the way I view the world and my place in it. So, I'm grateful for this book and books like this that remind me that those notions are not true. So far from true. I know I'm getting better because I started cooking again. Cooking is actually something that I was pretty good at before I got very sick. I lo...

These days I feel much, much better. I had some bad suicidal episodes earlier this week and last week, but they have subsided. I try to never take a good day for granted, because they don't always come so easy. I went and met my buddhist sisters and we chanted, hugged, and talked. This whole weekend, I have to attend some buddhist meetings in Jersey City and Teaneck. I'm really tired from the fall in my mental health, but I want to participate. So I'm going to try. Also, I got some cute jerseys (that I posted about) and I want to wear them. Not only did I get the Japan jersey, but I also got a Betty Boop jersey. I was actually looking for a Betty Boop jersey for a long time, so I'm happy I came across one. Things that used to bother me, don't bother me as much. Therapy has been helping more too, because I have somewhere to let things out where I don't feel like a bother. I'm still kind of working on that.. feeling like a bother to everyone. I just feel like,...

Been chanting every single day. I feel calmer.

Lately, the term 'service dog' has been coming up for me lately. The word 'service dog' comes up for me because I feel like that's how so many people used to treat me. Like a service dog. I have to always be by their side, make sure they're ok, while they feed me table scraps. That revelation makes me sad. In so many friendships/relationships, I could never truly be me. I could never be sad, angry, confused, confrontational, hopeful, and feel any other deep feeling. I wasn't allowed. Even though the thought makes me sad, it's also freeing knowing that today is a new day and I can change it up anytime. I am no longer a service dog. I no longer beg for treats. That line alone makes me so emotional and tearful. To realize that I felt so low and down about myself, that I had to beg for the bare minimum. How heart breaking. But yes... I do not have to live like that anymore. It is very hard to break old habits. For me, it's hard to break self-deprecating...

I've been watching 'The Secret' everyday and doing about 380 daimoku daily. I've been feeling calm, blessed, and centered. Kind of intimidated about starting school again, but at the same time, it'll give me something to do during the day.

Loved this book from cover to cover, so inspiring.

I was getting my nails done with my Fela hat.. And I also bought a Kwame shirt today :) The design reminds me of Basquiat

I joined my branch of the NAACP and we have a meeting tonight. I have no idea where this will take me but I'm grateful..

I'm really sad because my first love passed away... Her name was Danielle. When I tell you that I was in LOVE with Danielle, I was so in love with her. She was my first serious girlfriend who I met when I was in middle school. We kept in contact for over 10+ years. I loved her and I can't believe she's gone. I miss her so much. Once I break up with someone, I don't speak to them. It's over. Danielle is the only ex that I talked to and I'm heart broken. I wanted the best for her and did not expect for her to pass away. I remember when we broke up.. I literally wanted to die. I had been heart broken before, but this time was so different. I couldn't eat, couldn't get out the bed, I wanted to be close to her. Of course I forgave her for everything, but I didn't think we should get back together. Although, she was my friend forever after the breakup and it's sad that she's gone. I actually made a post about her in reference to the movie 'Blu...