Sadié Sidney

If I die tonight... Will I catapult as a mysterious enigma who shaped the world with her words Or will I be as miniscule as an ant Easily crushable and forgotten over time If I die tonight... Will my published poems touch the lives of millions who've never heard of me Or will the world continue on.. Never acknowledging my heart and will to live after atrocity If I die tonight... Will I be the superstar that I finally always dreamed of The superstar that I prayed about when my dad used to sneak into my room The superstar that I can almost touch... almost taste... but never officially got the breakthrough to be... Will it come in my death Or will I fall out of grace and have the ones who turned on me be seethed with relief If I die tonight... Will it all be worth it Will I reach a heaven with open arms Or will I fall into a dark abyss that leads to nowhere Free falling as Allah has deemed me unfit for his graces If I die tonight... Will the ones who hurt me ...

When I was in school, I had brief moments of bullying. They never lasted long and I really don't think the word bullying even applies to me mostly. I was definitely made fun of, but truly everyone was. I was no different or special in anyone's eyes. Though when I got to eigth grade... My social circle completely turned on me. I was in TAG classes, so I mostly hung out with those group of kids. At times, I found myself the butt of a few jokes like being called 'skittle titties' because my breast were so small. But the jokes were never too serious and they were pretty light hearted. But, when my breasts grew to a triple D in eigth grade and my hips spread... People started to take notice, including my friends. At first, things were ok. But then, things took a sinister turn when my mother was admitted into the ICU after having a stroke. One of my best friends started an untrue rumor about me and started bullying me. She would throw things at me in class. She would throw my...

Today, I finally finished the book 'My Friend Anne Frank' which is about a Holocaust survivor. It was a very emotional read and I wish I knew of her when I was younger to give me hope. When I think of that little girl named Nicole, I think of hope... I hoped one day I would be something. Anything. In any way. I am the most sensitive person that I know and how I managed to survive living with my parents is a miracle. With my dad hitting me, stealing money from me, and molesting me... The only thing I could think of was hope. I won't lie... Sometimes my hope was running thin. Sometimes I cried myself to sleep because of the prison I was living in. I'm not sure if I talked about this in my blog, but I remember the first time I saw my dad's erect penis. I was under the age of 6. Every night he'd give us Nyquil to knock us out so he could sneak into our bedrooms. On this occasion, he gave us the Nyquil in his bedroom and when I looked down... I wanted to throw up. I ...

Well... I'm hanging in there. I meant to make a post on father's day, but I was so sad and just not feeling my best. Since I was a little girl, I always wanted a father. I always wanted someone who could walk with me down the aisle and be there in my decision to get married. Not having either of my parents there for my marriage hurt me in a way that I can't describe or put into words. Without Sidney and my grandma, I feel so lonely and alone. I feel like I have no direction or no purpose, despite everything that I've accomplished. I feel lost.... I remember reading this book called Everlost and it was one of the best books I ever read along with a book named House of the Scorpion. In the book Everlost, they talk about living in a dimension where you're not yet dead but stuck in the middle between life and death. You are essentially "everlost". Poetically, I think that book to stand for so many things and ideas that are existent in this world today. I think...

I heard about soap nut shampoo and I'm thinking about creating it. My hair is getting stronger and it's starting to become so beautiful in it's own way. I wish I started doing my hair in high school, I would've saved so much money.