Sadié Sidney

 Today I'm having Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup! I am so happy about that. My chemistry class is on Wednesdays and it's 4 hours long :( I bought a bunch of groceries to last me while I'm away from work. I hate going grocery shopping by my house, so I went to Trader Joe's. This week I'll be having 2 dogs and a cat to watch.

 That's Tigger. I've been working so hard lately. I have to find my rhythm with school, work, and the dogs. 

 I'm studying for the SAT and I'm so nervous. I did some practice tests and I had no idea what in the world they were talking about. I have a cat and a dog that I'm watching. The cat's name is Tigger and the dog's name is Prince. Prince just follows me all around the house, he's the sweetest. I've really been craving cheese pizza so I got one from Trader Joe's and I'm cooking it in the oven rn. Honestly, I'm a little overwhelmed with school, but I'm going to try to stick with it.

  My classes start today. I am so so nervous. I want to do the best that I can. This is my third time being the 'pic of the day' on Vogue, that is so so cool. I had cheese pizza last night and it was so yummy. Lately I've been craving cheese pizza for some reason. I've been eating at Vito's deli these past days. Their food is so fresh and so yummy.

  I'm going to take a leave of absence from my vice president position at the International Association of Women. I just need a break to rejuvenate. I ate lasagna from Trader Joe's for dinner. It was yummy. I ate it with Tangerine juice. I work 6 days this week. I thought I was going to be extra tired but I'm actually ok. I've been getting enough sleep, which is so good. Now, with food, it doesn't taste the same. It's not as flavorful as it used to be. I'm not as excited to eat food anymore unless it's really bad junk food. I've gained so much weight on resperidone.... I'm hoping to get off of it soon so I can lose it.

 I'm waiting to see how much FAFSA is covering for school. I believe they're paying for the whole tuition. I took my placement test and I have to retake pre-calculus. I didn't remember anything about  precalculus from 5 years ago. I got an 8/8 for the writing test. I'm actually excited about starting english in college because I'd love to read and study books. When I read books now and finish them, I usually read the reviews on reddit. I'm busy with work and the dogs so I want to go to school hybrid (completely remote). Anne Hesh published a book in 2001 and I really want to read it but it's not available anywhere. It's her life story and it talks about her being molested by her dad and her mental health. Micheal K. Williams has a book coming out that I'm very excited to read.

 I started reading this book and it's such an eye-opening experience. She touches on psychological, sexual, and physical abuse. It's a great book so far! I'm on page 200. I have a busy day on Monday!! I do not like being busy at all, I honestly just love staying in the bed all day. I don't think it's healthy that I stay in the bed all day, so I have to get up and do things. I may have a shoot on Friday, we'll see. Right now, I'm on hold for it. It's for a jewelry line. I booked my ticket to Atlanta so I'll be there in September. I might be watching two dogs and a cat soon which will make me even more busier :( But money is money. On Tuesday, I'm going to get my toe nails done. Today I had chic fil a for dinner, which is so rare. I usually cook but I had to go to the mall to get new shoes and some leggings. 

 The plant is growing so much! I got accepted into the nursing program, but I don't know what I'm going to do about my immunization form. I never had shots before because my dad is against shots so we were always exempt for religious reasons. So, I'm hoping that they have a waiver where I don't have to get shots. We'll see. I'm going to look at my classes now. I filled out the FAFSA form yesterday.

  I love this picture of me! I miss poetry so much, but I can't seem to find a flow anymore. I'm going back to school for nursing! I'm real nervous about it and I don't even know if I have the time,  but I want to do something with my life. I'm excited about it. I'm going to apply for Hudson County Community College today.

 I went to The Madison Bar & Brill and ordered a steak quesadilla and mac and cheese. It was so yummy! Right now, I'm baking chicken, alfredo, and bread/butter. I bought cookie butter icecream and horchata icecream. It was so yummy! I ate it while I walked on the way home. My agency texted me about a shoot next week, but my manager is going out of town and I have to be at work. I took a nap today from 3-6 and it felt sooo good. Yesterday, I didn't step foot outside at all. It was too hot. I've been chanting of course and the month mark is coming up on the 13th. Last time I chanted, it took 5-6 months to see results so I have to be patient. I'm going to rewrite my goals for 6 months and watch the magic happen. 

 Depression, schizophrenia, psychosis, or whatever I'm going through is an uphill battle everyday. I felt sick this morning so I didn't go to therapy. I try not to ever miss therapy and plus I can actually get in trouble if I miss therapy, but I was not feeling it this morning. I don't know when I'll get better. It's a fight that I'm constantly fighting to get out of the bed and start my day. Tonight, I'm going to try to make chicken, alfredo, and lima beans. I'm going to do laundry to the best of my ability. I really want a better attitude about therapy. Lately, I haven't been wanting to go for some reason. It gets too hard for me to get up, take a shower, get on the train, and go. That seems like so much to me.... I'm constantly praying for my healing so that things can get better for everyone who's struggling right now mentally. I'm thinking about going back to school. I've really been into reading books. I finished Night by Elie W...

 Bexie was supposed to leave today, but she's leaving tomorrow because her parent's flight got cancelled. I made meatloaf, chicken alfredo, and a baked potato. It was a hot mess. I put the potato in the oven on 425 degrees for an hour and it wouldn't soften. The meatloaf was from Trader Joe's and it was bad, and the chicken alfredo tasted like water. Dinner was a disaster. I ended up eating hot fries with horchata icecream (which I know is bad). Lately, I haven't been wanting to eat anything and they said that the bupropion makes you lose your appetite. I just got deja vu writing this.. which scared me. I had deja vu when I was at a photo shoot on Monday... I've been getting it lately, I don't know why. 

 I feel a lot better today. I've been waking up everyday at 4 for work, which is good. Taking my medicine on time. This morning I wanted to give up chanting, but I'm hanging in there until my month anniversary.

 I decided that I'm going to go grocery shopping 5-7 days out of the week so everything can be fresh. I think that will make me feel better because I waste food when I get a lot of groceries. Next week is when I book the flight to Atlanta, I'm going to see all my friends! I really didn't feel like chanting this morning and I thought about giving up... But this afternoon, I pushed through it and completed it. Those groceries were kind of hard to carry on the way home, but I got to get used to it. 

Fireproof is one of my favorite movies. It always makes me cry. Bexie cuddled with me the other night. She was the big spoon, I was the little spoon.  I'm super anxious about my agency, I have so many questions. Can they get me booked? How soon can they get me booked? What does my future look like with them? I get so anxious when it comes to new changes, I just wish I could see the future but that's not how life works. The shoot went well today!! She told me that she shot some things for Rolling Stone and was featured in The New York times. I remember when I dreamed this all up and now it's happening.. It's kind of weird and I get deja vu all the time now. I don't want Bexie to leave, she's the perfect dog. Today I start the 300 mg of Bupropion, I will keep updating on here how I feel. I've gotten so much better. The suicidal thoughts aren't so strong where Im calling the suicide hotline every hour. I just need to find the energy to cook something. Cooki...

 I finally found that book that I read and really loved but couldn't find. It was 'Educated' by Tara Hanover. One of the best books I ever read. I just came back from walking Bexie and I'm about to get ready for the shoot tomorrow. I have no idea what I'm going to wear. It's at 10:30 am. So, I went to therapy and talked to the psychiatrist today. I told him how it's hard for me to cook and grocery shop and he decided to increase the bupropion to 300mg. They still don't know if I have schizophrenia or major depression, which makes me so anxious because I want to know what's going on with me as soon as possible. But.. we have to wait. They're talking about decreasing the resperidone which makes me nervous because I don't want to start hearing voices again. So, they said they'll do it slowly until I can be completely off of it. I really want to be healed from my depression... The suicidal thoughts have gotten SO much better. At one point, I ...