Sadié Sidney

I am so excited.

I finished 12 Years a Slave. What a remarkable book. I have so many thoughts towards it.

I got a wax and signed up for the gym after a horrible morning. Tomorrow I have personal training at 9 am which I'm scared about. I don't want to make a fool of myself as I'm severely out of shape. I have to get a bathing suit so I can enjoy the pool and the jacuzzi. I'm really excited about joining a gym!

I'm still not feeling well, but I managed to visit school. Monday is my official first day.

Right now, my chest is absolutely killing me. I'm a 38i in bra size and my chest is constantly hurting and giving me heart problems. Even though I feel this way, I'm going to try to go to Princeton today, just to make sure I know how to get to the campus for Monday. I'm going to start being busy, busy, busy and I'm going to hate it. I've been trying to get enough rest as I can before school starts. Today, I woke up severely depressed. I have so many negative feelings towards my life and I feel so alone in nobody understanding what I go through on a daily basis while living with 5+ mental illnesses. It's so hard for me and I've been dealing with this since I was a little girl. I wake up and feel so worthless. I have so much support but I constantly feel so alone. I feel so misunderstood. Today I woke up feeling like I'd be better off dead than alive. The pain I'm in today is unbearable. I miss my dad. I miss my 2 late brothers. I miss my late grandma....

I visited my friend Sharon yesterday (since I'm up early right now). I love her! She made me feel so happy. She told me I need to listen to my husband, which is so hard for me. I don't want to listen to anybody. But I agree with her that I need to listen to him. My husband gets me anything I want and he's so gentle with me. But I'm not used to listening to anybody, that's just something I don't do because I'm stubborn. When I was a little girl, I was a daddy's girl and he spoiled me so rotten before my dad got sick. He bought me whatever I wanted, gave me unlimited attention, and I was always special to my dad. I did whatever I wanted to do, but I always always always listened to my dad when I was a kid. He's part of the reason why I had all a's in school and went to college early. Because he told me to do good in school, so I did. After my dad hurt me, I said I would never in my life listen to a man again. But I think I should listen to my hus...

I'm up early, feeling super sick. I want to go to the hospital, but I hate the hospital. I'm not sure what triggered me this time. I'll keep this updated, if I go to the hospital.

I know it's wrong to miss my dad because he caused me to have a rape kit when I was five and he murdered my brother... but I miss him so much. He taught me how to read, write, speak, pay bills, swim, ride a bike, and so much more. I wish he never hurt us the way that he did because now I'm without him and it pains me. I want a father in my life and I need the attention from him, but it's so dangerous having a relationship with him. I don't want to die because my father can't control his anger towards himself and his kids. If I had a father in my life, I won't lie, I'd be happy as hell. I'm smiling just thinking about all the times me and my dad used to take trips, go to the beach, have talks, and he'd teach me how to cook. I miss that so much and I feel alone without my parents. I need them so badly but I can't risk my life for any relationship. It's not worth it. I'm not sure why he's been on my mind lately. I wonder what he thinks o...

I woke up super early today and I'm so happy about it. I walked the dogs around 5 am and I'm about to watch The Ultimatum. I might even do my HIPPAA licensing for my doula services. I'm so proud of myself for applying myself to become a doula. I am in love with my work and learning new things through the prenatal, birth, and postpartum stages. Supporting birthing persons is a dream of mine and now it's a reality. I have alot of work to do for the doula services so I'm going to try to get on that as soon as possible. I want my certification before this year ends and I know I can do it.

I started this medication called Vraylar. The psych said if I'm manic it'll bring me down, and if I'm depressed it will bring me up. So far, I'm doing ok on it. I paid for my doula insurance today. I also bought some hoagie rolls and I made a sub sandwich. It was so good!! I melted the cheese on there, cooked up some sausage and grits and it was so good.

I'm falling in love with grits! I want them everyday, in every meal. It is so yummy! I add salt, sugar, and butter. It's so good

Rain is so pretty. I'm happy that I stayed at home all day today. Lately, I've been liking home. I love being at home and being at peace with the dogs. I can get some much needed rest. Tomorrow I finish my last day of doula training for my provisional license. I'm so so excited. Birth does still make me feel anxious in my heart. I just want everything to go right and everyone to be healthy. I washed my braids today after I put a growth cream on it. My hair has been growing which is so good. I miss having hair... I can't stop thinking about being a doula, I think I'd have so much fun. I'd just be busy all the time though. Maybe I don't know if I can handle the 24/7 though. But I'll pray about it and I'll see how I feel. I've been loving cooking with Crisco! It really brings out the flavor in dishes. I saw some stuff in the store today that I thought I'd like to try. Peanut cream seems like something I'd love to cook with. I'm go...

I'm feeling very misunderstood today (and yesterday too). I've been sleeping and eating alot and I think I'm doing that to cope. I just feel so misunderstood and lonely. I'm surrounded by support of family, friends, and my husband, But I feel like I have no one. I really want to take a flight to Miami in a private jet and turn my phone off. I plan to do that before the end of the year. I'm starting my doula classes tomorrow.I'm honestly so excited about it. I feel like being a doula will fill a big void in my life of feeling like I'm not doing enough. I'm not working hard enough. I'm so so happy I have this opportunity and the certification is covered by the state of NJ. I'm thanking God. My partially non-verbal autism is affecting my marriage when it comes to communication, so I thought it would be easier to communicate by letter. I can't verbally say how I feel, so I have to write it. I'm going to try to learn ASL (take some classes...

Today in therapy, I was told that I have abandonment/attachment issues. I agree, I do. I'm not sure where these issues exactly come from. From my dad moving to Detroit without us, my mom saying she doesnt want me, my grandma and 2 brothers passing leaving me all alone... All these events led to my issues BUT I'm working on it. I'm going to get a peych evaluation for ASD, so I can better communicate (I'm struggling with non-verbal). Tonight I made smothered chicken over mashed potatoes. It was so yummy! I realized I might need to start getting all my groceries fresh because food tastes so much better fresh. But that's so expensive to live like that and food is so expensive nowadays. I gotta figure out a way to do it so I can enjoy all my meals.

I got a new diagnosis of schizoaffective (schizophrenia and bipolar disorder). I am really sad about it. But I'm going to admit I have mood swings and anger management when I get really upset or feel disrespected. My psychiatrist told me that I'm disabled, and my parents should've been got me on disability. That honestly makes me so sad. I could've been receiving help and finanical assistance but, instead, I struggled for so many years. Even though I'm happily married and surrounded by friends, family, and my bereavement group.. I feel so misunderstood, lonely, and sad. I feel like everytime I go to the doctor I have a new diagnosis or something is wrong. I will apply for disability and I know the process takes awhile, but I'll wait. I also need to apply for scholarships for school. Oh yeah, I got a throat tattoo! That shit hurt like hell!!!!!!!! The artist had me upside down with my neck extended while he drew on me. It only took about 1-1.5 hours and it was ...