Sadié Sidney

One thing that I absolutely used to hate is when people would talk to me about what I post on my instagram or blog in person. Especially intimate things. I'd rather someone silently read and respect my work and not confront me about things that I post online. I'm sensitive. I just don't want to talk about it. I want to be free. I want to say what I want. I want to be who I want to be, when I want to be it. I've always made a safe space for myself online where I can be anybody that I want to be. I can be myself. I can be good enough. So, when someone confronts me or tries to talk about what I post.... I just don't want to talk about it. I just want people to let things be in my life. I've actually had to change my number because some things that I posted online people would blow my phone up and ask me questions and it was just too much. I just want to be, if that makes sense. I don't want anyone telling me what to post and what not to post. Just leave me alon...

So I'm really really really excited to get my Columbia ID. When I get it, that's probably when I'll post on instagram to give an update on my life and why I haven't really been posting. So far, my schizophrenia and bipolar disorder is pretty much under control. My meds vraylar, setraline, and prosazin have been much help. The dosage increase was a big help from my psychiatrist. The thing with mental health, especially as a black woman, you have to constantly advocate for yourself and stand up for your well being. Actually, it's in every area of life. But, within the mental health realm, it is not easy to get the help that you need when you're a black woman. You have so much stigma against you. Looking throughout the history of just healthcare in general, black women (slaves) were used for tests and experiments without anesthesia because it was believed that "black women can tolerate more pain". That's how I feel I was treated my whole life. Due to ...

I'm struggling to take care of myself again. I don't know what the trigger is this time :(. I'm not able to take showers without help or brush my teeth without encouragement. I honestly feel so sad. I remember when I was working like 3 jobs. Now I can barely take a shower without assistance. How life changes....

I start a community doula initiative training in April!!! I'm really excited about it. I do have to take a break from my doulaship for school, but I'm very excited about being apart of this! It is so life-changing. The clients I have helped so far have been so amazing and wonderful. I feel like I'm doing something with my life.

I'm up right now at 4:50 am thinking about so much. I want to be so many great things in this life, but I feel like I'll never get there sometimes. I feel defeated before I even started trying. I remember reading the suicide note from my brother and he wanted to give up because he felt like a rabbit chasing a stick. That's how I can feel sometimes. I feel like I'm always chasing something that I'll never have. It makes me sad. Within one day, I can feel feelings of sadness, numbness, anger, deceit, disloyalty, mistreatment, abuse, happiness, anxiousness, worry, and abundance. One day for me is filled with so much wonder as I continue on this mental health journey. It is not easy to be diagnosed with 6 disabilities. There's so many days that I'm scared I will hurt myself because I can't help it. I can't help but feel like I'll never be a great wife. I can't help but feel I'll be worthy enough to have a good husband who is loyal to me. I ca...

I'm thinking about posting about my schizophrenia on instagram. I've been gone off instagram for awhile and I honestly want to come back. I miss interacting with friends and family on there, but I needed my time away. I'm thinking of posting about my diagnosis and what's been going on in my life. Since my diagnosis, I've gotten married, got accepted into an accelerated microbiology program at Princeton, signed a mother agency contract in London, got into an oceanography research program at Columbia University, and have stayed out of the psych ward since April 24th, 2023. These are all big accomplishments considering I'm disabled and I struggle to even shower on my own. So, yes, I'm thinking of posting about it.

Soon I start the LDEO program at Columbia and I'm so nervous. For the program, I have to complete a research project, a paper, and a proposal. I am so so scared about it. Of course my imposter syndrome is kicking in and I feel like I'm not good enough and I won't be good enough for the program. Soon I will be getting my columbia ID badge and food card.

What I've learned through dating, relationships, and marriage is that nothing is black and white. Nothing is perfect. What you see online is not always reality. Just because you see someone smiling, doesn't mean that they are happy. Just because you see a couple smiling, it doesn't mean that they are happy together. In my relationships and marriage, I expected things to be a certain way and I was highly disappointed. I listened to other people. I allowed others into my business. I allowed people to make me angry about things in my relationships that didn't matter. I've learned that it's more important to listen to myself. Listen to what feels good to me.... Growing up, I saw my father mistreat my mother in so many ways. As a child seeing that, I thought that mistreatment was normal. I look back at my past relationships and I see how my partners didn't show up for me and it hurts that I allowed that. As of today, the most important thing is that I show up fo...

Ive honestly been hating school lately. I don't feel like going to class. I don't feel like doing any work. I just want to rest... I don't know where this is coming from. I don't know if it's because the anniversary of Sidney's passing is over and I'm tired. But I'm tired. I'm also a little sad because I can't attend any births for awhile. Due to me having the Columbia internship and starting a new school semester in the fall (in-person), I don't think I can attend any births for a long time :( which makes me very sad.

This is the weirdest feeling I've ever had, but I miss my dad. My dad has caused so much turmoil in my life. He has caused me to want to harm myself on many occasions and even tried to coerce me to harm myself. He was the only suspect on my brother's murder case. He has hurt me time and time again... But somehow I miss him? I know it's not healthy and it's not even safe for me to miss my father, but I do. I can't help it... I admired my dad so much. I wanted to be just like him. We went to the beach together, we went on so many rides together, we talked about so many things.... I was sad when he wasn't there when I got married. I wish he could've been there. There's so many days that I wish he would love me back. I miss him... I've always been a daddy's girl at heart. It's not easy, but I'm making it day by day.

So, recently, I haven't been feeling like ordering bottled water because I HATE bringing it up the stairs. So, I had an idea of jst drinking tap water. What's the worst that can happen? Oh my goodness, I feel so sick. It hurts to lay down, it's uncomfortable to walk... I am NEVER drinking tap water again. So, I'm going to buy some water tomorrow and stick with it. I'm in so much pain and discomfort.

I've been cooking and not eating out which helps save money alot! My furry friend named Noodle has bad seperation anxiety. I can't even take out the trash without him SCREAMING. So, I have to take him everywhere with me.

Of course I've been fasting for Ramadan which has been an experience within itself. But... Yes. My 24th birthday was yesterday. I spent it with my friend who meant so much to me. It was a really special day. I also watched this movie named 'Unthinkable' with Samuel L. Jackson and it was AMAZING. It's on Netflix. I'm trying to think of more things to cook to keep myself full during the day and also hydrated. I honestly want a juicer because I LOVE juice. I love smoothies too, but it's something about juice. 24.... I feel so old lmao. I remember when I was 17 honestly. I had so much to learn and experience and I thought that was it for me.

Tomorrow is my 24th birthday and I feel old lol. I remember when I was 19 years old and I just moved to New Jersey. I was so young omg. I really admire my tenacity at that time. Since then, I have accomplished many things. I always wanted to be signed overseas and I am! I just signed my contract in London, I just have to send them a list of agencies that I want to work with in NYC. I don't know what tomorrow brings, but we'll see. Like I said in my last post, my birthday always gets ruined by someone. So, I'm very anxious. But, this time, I am spending my birthday with someone who cares about me and that's new for me. Last year, I spent it with my sister/niece/nephew and it meant so much to me. They bought me gifts which is so sweet. I love my sister alot. I've always loved my sister, brother, and mom. We were a team. In so many ways, I feel like my father destroyed that and took that away from us. I try not to talk about my brother too much because it's persona...

My birthday is on Tuesday, March 12th and I've always hated my birthday. I've always been forgotten on my birthday or one of my parents ruined my birthday, so I've always been sensitive about my birthday. I've especially been sensitive about my birthday ever since my brother was cremated closer to the date of my 19th birthday. My birthday brings back so many bad memories.... BUT this year, I will actually be spending it with my friend in Brooklyn which I'm so grateful for.

She's got me through alot....

I'm on Prosazin, but I'm still having weird dreams. It's mostly dreams about my childhood, but they're very disturbing and offputting. I did sign the mother contract for the agency in London!!!!!!!!

Today was the first day I chanted indoors since I started my 90 day challenge on December 1st, 2023. I have alot of anxiety right now and many things pending, but I'm hanging in there truly. I am doing the best that I can. I honestly feel good about chanting indoors, I have to do it more often. I usually chant when I'm outside taking a walk, but the weather has been alot lately with the rain. I was scared that when I chant indoors, I wouldn't be able to sit still. I accomplished chanting today by treating it like a meditation session. I chanted for 15 minutes straight which is alot for me.

I am soon signing a mother agent contract in London which I'm excited about! I am hoping with my mother agency contract I can branch out to agencies in New York and LA. That's exciting to me and I'm hoping for the best. I haven't modeled in a while because I've been busy with school and my doula career. I don't really know how I feel about modeling. Do I miss it? Not really. I don't miss the auditions, being on hold, conversing with other models, and being told no everyday. I don't know what this mother agency contract will bring, but I'm hopeful. I am prayerful. I am having so many feelings towards my life right now.

Even though I was accepted into the Columbia program, I still feel like I'm not good enough. I still feel like nobody will ever love me. I am scared to get my acceptance letters. I am scared to get into an intensive program because I feel like I won't be good enough. I feel like my work won't be good enough. I have so much anxiety!! I'm going to pray and chant more so that I can defeat all of my worries.

I got accepted into the Columbia LDEO program where I'll be attending Columbia University. I am so grateful and so SURPRISED. The scientist I'll be working with is named Sidney which is so cool. I love people with the name Sidney. I'm not doing anything to celebrate because I'm saving my money, but I am very grateful.

I added chicken to it. Hopefully it tastes better tomorrow because tonight.... It's just that I used the jerk seasoning alot when I was vegan, so I think I don't like that flavor anymore. But we'll let it marinate overnight and we'll see how it does tomorrow.

Learning about Intimate Partner violence is so important especially for birthworkers. Today I'm earning a certificate in intimate partner violence towards my certification.