Sadié Sidney

So anxious, but excited at the same time. I miss my baby cat at home so much, we were sleeping together all day. Surprisingly, I made spaghetti today. I hate spaghetti soo much but I was missing it badly. Idk how to explain it. I made a big pan of it too. Now, I'm craving stove top lasagna. To my shock, I've been cooking everyday. When I was living with someone, I didn't cook. I was so uncomfortable and exhausted all day that I just wanted to lay in bed and do nothing. Now.... since being alone, life is better. It was a really sad ordeal, but it's over now. I saw online that Eve was having a book signing and now I want to go to someone's book signing. I think I would really enjoy that.

I've been waiting on the little baby to come since 5 AM today. I am so excited to meet her. This birth might not be too long, but we'll see. However long it is, it's an honor to be attending.

I wrote this for one of my friends some years back... This is the sweetest thing ever. I don't know why I doubt my poetry when it's so beautiful and well-written.

I hate what happened on Monday. A recurring them in my life is sexual abuse/sexual assault. I could do everything in my power to avoid it, and it still keeps happening to me. On Monday, I met someone. I wasn't really attracted to this person, but I thought it would be ok to hang out with them in a public place. I let it be known, beforehand, that I'm not really interested in being intimate and to please honor that. They said they would but once we got alone (yes, we were still in public) they forceably kissed me and tried to finger me. He tried to dig into my pants and we were fighting each other to get his hands away and I said "no". He said relax and I said "No, I don't want that" where we continued to fight until he gave up. I let things cool down so that he wouldn't follow me home, and then I left. I feel so gross inside. I HATEEEE when people try to kiss me, get away from me. It's so disgusting. It's so selfish. It's so weird. It

To think that I came all the way from College Park and I was modeling in NYC just hit me this morning. (It's 6 am right now) What is little Nicole doing in NYC? I am the youngest of 10, so I'll always be baby. Sometimes it's surreal that I've come so far. From the bruises of my father to the abandonment of my mother... to a mother contract in London. Slowly it's starting to hit me. Even though I've been here for 5 years, it doesn't feel like it. Booking that one way ticket was something that I'll always be proud of. Yesterday was NOT a good day for me. I had so much heavy on my mind and on my heart... In a perfect world, I should be able to let go and move on. We do not live in a perfect world. I do not have the perfect life. Those are priviledges that I'll never succumb to. It was so bad for me that I wanted to block everyone out of my phone. (I blocked some people) I wanted to disappear. I wanted to turn my phone off and start over. I wanted to g

I am so excited about the books I ordered from my school. Books are my happy place.

Oh my... I woke up today feeling like absolute shit. I don't know where this imposter sydrome is coming from or what triggered it this time. I think it's from my dad. He told me that I was too fat to ever model and too dumb to ever be anything. He told me I'm the dumbest person he ever met. Now I have this chip on my shoulder that no matter my educational accolades, I'll never be smart enough. No matter my achievements in modeling, I'll never be skinny enough to be attractive. It is the most defeating thing. With my current ex, he called me a 'stupid bitch' and I was truly done. Usually, I talk about how I feel and why things are not ok to do/say. But, this time, I said no. It reminded me too much of my father and how I was never enough. All the times my dad made fun of me and called me a 'hoe' and a 'bitch' was so hurtful to my soul. So, when he wanted to apologize to me and begged to take him back, there was no reply. Keep your apology, I&#

So far, I have 5 clients and my heart is so full and heavy with kindness and joy! I've been kind of busy (assignments due tonight), but I've been managing my best. I'm really anxious about my births as I'm anxious about everything... I had a meeting with my faculty mentor at school and he said my poetry was inspiring. That made me feel some type of way because I've always felt like my poetry isn't good enough. To hear that someone is inspired by me means everything to me. Deep down inside I feel like I won't ever top my published poems in my book, "If Only My Eyes Could Speak". Those poems hit close to home.... On another note, I feel like I'm coming on to another era in my life of goodness and kindness.

So... I've been thinking alot about what the psychic said and I'm preparing myself to move to London. I'm anxious, excited, overwhelmed, and so mny feelings. I feel like this decision is for the best so that I can properly move on and be happy. Moving to New York on my own was a big leap, but London? I'm trying to see how I'm going to do this... My lease ends in March, so maybe April I will move? I may just bring 1 suitcase with me that contains all my journals and vision boards. That's all I need really. When I moved to New York, I had one suitcase, 1 backpack. Now I'm a certified full-spectrum doula, poet laureate, Princeton University TSI Alumn, Columbia University LDEO program intern, and I have a mother contract in London. I know that April seems like it's far away, but I can see it coming so fast... I do believe it's time for me to start over and thankfully I have a contract there already. So far, I've been on hold for Louis Vuitton and Wyn