Sadié Sidney

I am now certified to better support families who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss. What an honor....

Since forever, I have always loved Mrs. Coretta Scott King. When I think of strong, I think of her. When I think of wisdom, I think of her. When I think of overcoming, I think of her. She is the epitome of grace. This is one of my favorite pictures of her and her husband...

The 3-day PAIL training is so raw.. So many tears were shed. My very first client was younger than me by a few years and she was SO excited about having her first baby. I was excited too! Then one day I got the call that she lost her baby... I was beyond devastated. I was so heartbroken for her and I never expected my first client to lose her baby. It matured me as a doula and as a person knowing that pregnancy is hard, birth is hard, postpartum is hard. It's not like in the movies, these are real lives. In this training I realized that the magnitude of this work is bigger than I can ever imagine. So far, all of my births have been successful vaginal births. But, I am prepared for anything with prayer, love, kindness, and silence when needed. What a journey this career path has put me down...

I have a pregnancy and infant loss training today. I am praying that it's not triggering. I've been waiting for the twins to come and she went into false labor, but she'll be induced on the first. I am so excited to meet them. I've been wanting to get into pregnancy and infant loss, so I'm so glad that they're offering this class.

This song means so much... The lyrics "You don't know my story, you don't know the things that I've been through" hit me on a deeper level. I always felt like that as a child and teenager.. People just don't know. When writing my book, I gave a glimpse into my life, but that is only a portion of what I've seen and had to endure. In actuality, we don't know what people go through. We don't know what lays at someone's feet. We don't know the pressure that surrounds them. Some people hide it well, others don't (which is ok). I felt that way living with my dad... People just don't know...

I didn't want most of my views from instagram and I'm actually thinking about taking the link off my profile, I don't know. But yes... Last year, December 2nd, 2023, I had about 4,000 views and now we've hit 9,000 views in less than a year. I meant to celebrate my blog's two year anniversary in July, but I wasn't even thinking about it. I get most of my views from people randomly stumbling onto my blog, which is what I wanted. It's growing which I never thought would happen. I cannot ever forget that I was the only one reading my blog for such a really long time... And now, I feel like I've been through so many changes since I started this blog.

Feeling like the impossible is possible today...

I chanted yesterday for 20 minutes. In all honesty, I've been scared. I've been scared to pray, to fast, to chant, to read my holy scriptures. I can't even pinpoint why, but I started chanting yesterday and I feel so much better. I feel a weight lifted off of me. I may try to chant for atleast an hour a day now to get some negative energy off of me. But I can say that I feel much better, at peace. It's like I have a secret weapon. I have to keep telling myself that today is the start of my best days and if I make a mistake, I can always start again tomorrow. I'm always at his mercy and I'm humbled by that. This morning I had a bad nightmare about my dad (a really scary one), but I know that I'm on this important journey of healing and I may have some hiccups but I speak healing, prosperity, and integrity in my life. Life is so short.... For once in my life, I feel full. I'm thinking about going back to church and I saw online that there were some gospel...

Some things in my journal were kind of scary when my schziophrenia was very symptomatic, BUT there were some really cool manifestations that came to be. I started back scripting today. I'm trying to see if I want to script twice a day or just once a day. Since I want to change my life around ASAP, I might script twice a day. I'm going to start off with small things and then let them build to bigger things. Moving scripts work like magic for me! I said that I was going to move out of my mom's house on October 1st, 2017 and got the keys to my own house on October 1st, 2017. I said that I was going to stop backpacking and living out my suitcase on August 1st, 2020. Got the keys to my first NJ apartment August 1st, 2020. My moving scripts are always so powerful. I have, in total, like 5-7 journals all filled with gratitude and scripting.

One symptom of my disabilities is hypersexuality, when unmedicated. I can attribute it to my disabilities but also to the incest I've experienced and the sexual abuse I've endured as well. It all plays a part. But, lately, I haven't really been experiencing much hypersexuality. It was so bad in the past that this feels like a miracle. It could be the meds, but there was a time that I was hypersexual even on my meds. I know it's getting better because I went out with someone and had to turn down their advances. They were interested in being intimate with me and I was utterly disgusted. I barely even knew this person, why would I do something like that? In a world where because this person was attractive, in the past, I would've acted on it. But, as of today, I literally felt disgusted. Not that I judge other people's habits, but why in the world would I have sex with a stranger?? So many things could go wrong. What if you're a stalker? What if you harm me? Wh...

I've been struggling alot with my faith because I've been depressed and just have had alot on my mind. It's been hard for me to wake up early and go to sleep before like 3 am. But today was so different.. I woke up really early and decided to pray. I've been meaning to pray but Idk.. I just didn't know what to say and how to say it. There's times that I feel like God/Allah has forgotten me. He's left me alone... But he's caught me when I've fallen so many times. There's been so many miracles within my life that I can't count them. When I lost Sidney, I felt like my world was crashing down. I lost everything. I'm still trying to (to this day) regain my strength and everything that was lost. I remember the day that I lost him, I tried to bargain with God (silly me). If you bring Sidney back, I'll do this.. I'll never do this... So, when we lost him, I was angry at God. How could you take an innocent person from us? How could you eve...

All these speeches as the poet laureate have been keeping me so busy! It was like 3-4 speeches in one month! I had a meeting with the poetry collective today and they told me I did a good job and my new poetry that I presented was inspiriing :))) That made me feel so so good. As I always say, I think my poetry is horrible. It takes me years to like my work and see the true feelings that arise from it. BUT there's some poems that I will never like and I'll never understand why in the world did I write that mess. I cut and painted my nails today!!! I love, love, love doing my own nails. All I do is paint them clear, but it be making me so happy inside. It's a form of self-care that in the past I would never do. I'd never paint my nails, no. Didn't have the time or energy. I was revisting my time in Atlanta and I literally worked 6-7 days a week and it would be a minimum of 10 hours a day. I would be so tired all the time!!!!!!!! I have no idea how I did it. Granted, I...

This book was amazing! For some reason, I've never heard of Bebe Moore Campbell, but she's one of the greatest writers. Her work is phenomenal. In her book '72 Hour Hold', she talks about mental health and the struggles that come with it. Hypersexuality, addiction, psych ward stays, involuntary holds, sadness, crying, wanting to give up..... To know that she was a mental health advocate warms my heart. Unfortunately, she passed away in 2006, but apparently she lives on through her amazing work as an author, journalist, and mental health ally. I love her so much!! I am so grateful for finding her. How I found her? I have literally no idea. I have alot of self-help and black authored books in my apple books app and I saw some poetry (that I liked) in her book and decided to check my local library.

I just found these two books at my library! I'm obviously obsessed with books at this point.

So anxious, but excited at the same time. I miss my baby cat at home so much, we were sleeping together all day. Surprisingly, I made spaghetti today. I hate spaghetti soo much but I was missing it badly. Idk how to explain it. I made a big pan of it too. Now, I'm craving stove top lasagna. To my shock, I've been cooking everyday. When I was living with someone, I didn't cook. I was so uncomfortable and exhausted all day that I just wanted to lay in bed and do nothing. Now.... since being alone, life is better. It was a really sad ordeal, but it's over now. I saw online that Eve was having a book signing and now I want to go to someone's book signing. I think I would really enjoy that.

I've been waiting on the little baby to come since 5 AM today. I am so excited to meet her. This birth might not be too long, but we'll see. However long it is, it's an honor to be attending.

I wrote this for one of my friends some years back... This is the sweetest thing ever. I don't know why I doubt my poetry when it's so beautiful and well-written.

I hate what happened on Monday. A recurring them in my life is sexual abuse/sexual assault. I could do everything in my power to avoid it, and it still keeps happening to me. On Monday, I met someone. I wasn't really attracted to this person, but I thought it would be ok to hang out with them in a public place. I let it be known, beforehand, that I'm not really interested in being intimate and to please honor that. They said they would but once we got alone (yes, we were still in public) they forceably kissed me and tried to finger me. He tried to dig into my pants and we were fighting each other to get his hands away and I said "no". He said relax and I said "No, I don't want that" where we continued to fight until he gave up. I let things cool down so that he wouldn't follow me home, and then I left. I feel so gross inside. I HATEEEE when people try to kiss me, get away from me. It's so disgusting. It's so selfish. It's so weird. It...

To think that I came all the way from College Park and I was modeling in NYC just hit me this morning. (It's 6 am right now) What is little Nicole doing in NYC? I am the youngest of 10, so I'll always be baby. Sometimes it's surreal that I've come so far. From the bruises of my father to the abandonment of my mother... to a mother contract in London. Slowly it's starting to hit me. Even though I've been here for 5 years, it doesn't feel like it. Booking that one way ticket was something that I'll always be proud of. Yesterday was NOT a good day for me. I had so much heavy on my mind and on my heart... In a perfect world, I should be able to let go and move on. We do not live in a perfect world. I do not have the perfect life. Those are priviledges that I'll never succumb to. It was so bad for me that I wanted to block everyone out of my phone. (I blocked some people) I wanted to disappear. I wanted to turn my phone off and start over. I wanted to g...

I am so excited about the books I ordered from my school. Books are my happy place.

Oh my... I woke up today feeling like absolute shit. I don't know where this imposter sydrome is coming from or what triggered it this time. I think it's from my dad. He told me that I was too fat to ever model and too dumb to ever be anything. He told me I'm the dumbest person he ever met. Now I have this chip on my shoulder that no matter my educational accolades, I'll never be smart enough. No matter my achievements in modeling, I'll never be skinny enough to be attractive. It is the most defeating thing. With my current ex, he called me a 'stupid bitch' and I was truly done. Usually, I talk about how I feel and why things are not ok to do/say. But, this time, I said no. It reminded me too much of my father and how I was never enough. All the times my dad made fun of me and called me a 'hoe' and a 'bitch' was so hurtful to my soul. So, when he wanted to apologize to me and begged to take him back, there was no reply. Keep your apology, I...

So far, I have 5 clients and my heart is so full and heavy with kindness and joy! I've been kind of busy (assignments due tonight), but I've been managing my best. I'm really anxious about my births as I'm anxious about everything... I had a meeting with my faculty mentor at school and he said my poetry was inspiring. That made me feel some type of way because I've always felt like my poetry isn't good enough. To hear that someone is inspired by me means everything to me. Deep down inside I feel like I won't ever top my published poems in my book, "If Only My Eyes Could Speak". Those poems hit close to home.... On another note, I feel like I'm coming on to another era in my life of goodness and kindness.

So... I've been thinking alot about what the psychic said and I'm preparing myself to move to London. I'm anxious, excited, overwhelmed, and so mny feelings. I feel like this decision is for the best so that I can properly move on and be happy. Moving to New York on my own was a big leap, but London? I'm trying to see how I'm going to do this... My lease ends in March, so maybe April I will move? I may just bring 1 suitcase with me that contains all my journals and vision boards. That's all I need really. When I moved to New York, I had one suitcase, 1 backpack. Now I'm a certified full-spectrum doula, poet laureate, Princeton University TSI Alumn, Columbia University LDEO program intern, and I have a mother contract in London. I know that April seems like it's far away, but I can see it coming so fast... I do believe it's time for me to start over and thankfully I have a contract there already. So far, I've been on hold for Louis Vuitton and Wyn...