Sadié Sidney

I feel so bad for not writing for a week, I really do. An update on my life is that I stopped taking my meds because I got up to 280+ pounds. I was dieting, excercising, and counting calories and I was still gaining 10+ pounds a week. I would look in the mirror and cry. Sometimes I'd just want to lay in bed all day because nothing I did was good enought o lose weight. Nothing. When I went on dates, my dates would bring up my weight gain. Every single time. I acknowledge that they were assholes but I also acknowledge that something MUST be done before I am 300 pounds. So, I stopped taking my meds about two weeks ago and I've lost weight naturally. I am not much on a diet, but I do watch what I eat. I haven't excercised much because of my knee being sore, but I still managed to lose weight. I do believe the weight might've been water retention or inflammation, but as long as I'm not 280 pounds. The lowest weight I was was 150 pounds and that was fine with me. On anot...

I don't think I went into deep details about what happened when I started working out, mostly cardio. But I hurt myself so bad!! Like really bad, I got runner's knee and I've been recovering for about two weeks now. And I lost a TOENAIL! I am so embarrassed about losing a toenail, I feel so silly. I started running alot (6 days a week, 2 hours a day) and I put my body through so much stress. I was hurt to the point that I couldn't walk comfortably and I was limping really bad. There were moments that I literally felt like I needed a walker or crutches, but I was determined that I'd get much better. So, it is much better and I can move around better now. I don't walk with a limp as much, but it's still a bit sore. As for my toenail... I was running and the toe nail was hitting against my shoe alot. My toe nails aren't really that long and I try to keep them done, but it was alot of pressure from running. I had blisters on my feet etc. It was just over the...

I'm not sure if I posted about my nomination to study in the UK, but I'm kind of excited about it. I was nominated to study in the United Kingdom at University of Birmingham. I am very anxious about it in so many ways. I will be far away from "home" and I can't bring my cat which is so heartbreaking to me. My cat is my everything. She has helped me go through so many things and she's always by my side, never leaving and never judging me. So, I'm excited to go but I believe it won't be easy easy. But I think it is worth it. So far, I am eligible to graduate with my Bachelor's as a Summa Cuma Laude student, if I keep up my a's in all my classes. Like I posted before, those midterms took a toll on me seriously. I was a bit overwhelmed, but midterms are mostly over (I thought they were done, but my theatre teacher posted a midterm today). So, once I finish that midterm, I will officially be done with midterms. I believe I have about 4-5 more weeks ...

I'm so sad that I haven't been posting!! I promised myself I was going to post at least twice a day (minimum) and haven't posted in like a week or more time. Since then, although, this blog has grown alot with gaining worldwide attention. I found that to be surprising, as I always do. Especially considering that I disappeared. Midterms were alot... It was very writing intensive, and most days I didn't have alot of energy. BUT I completed my midterms and I am still on track to graduate with my Bachelors Summa Cum Laude (praying I remain getting good grades). I keep saying that I'm going to write another book and the only progress I've made was writing my name. I don't have a title, I'm not quite entirely sure what to say, and don't have any idea on the cover art. I just pray that it'll all come together one day. I am so disturbed because I injured myself while running really bad. Not only that, but I lost a toenail. I am so embarrassed and sad hon...

❤

I was writing on Sunday how I found this Pentecostal church by me and I am so grateful for its finding. There will be bible study on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and I plan to attend them every week. I'm not sure if I'm depressed, I don't quite fully know. I just want to stay at home and be in the bed. (I guess I am depressed then) Most days I feel so unwell and so unloved with no motivation. It's been 10 days since I gave my life over to Jesus and I'm grateful for it, but it's not easy. I have my doubts even though I try my best to pray them away. I have my worries and I have my many shortcomings. I try not to wish too much, but I wish I wasn't so mentally unwell. I wish I could enjoy life the way that others get to enjoy their life without worrying about wanting to die all the time. I wish I had a family that loved me and accepted me for who I am. I wish I was loved in general. It could all be in my head, probably is, but I feel so unloved and so unliked. I fee...

Oh my goodness, I was so sore for a couple of days after working out. Although, somehow I still got through to keep going. My goal is to workout 6 days out of the week and take Sunday off, except for light arm and squat workouts. I'm a little sad because my medicine (vraylar) has made me gain so much weight. It's way too much at this point and I started jogging 2+ miles a day since Saturday to offset the weight gain. I do NOT like taking my meds, but I have to in order to survive. The meds make me gain weight due to a spike in my blood sugar and I'm always hungry. Not even a normal hungry, I'm starving. I'm going to see if I can decrease my dosage of the vraylar since I've been doing so well. Actually, I just did some research right now and found out I'm on the lowest dose already, but I can sporadically take the meds. I'm just going to talk to my doctor about it, I'll probably call him right now. In a way, I am blessed because my disabilities respon...

I went to church today after so many years. I did go to Watchnight tower earlier this year for new years, but haven't attended actual service in so long. I was late because I found the church by happenstance. I am so ready and eager to acquire a church home

filled with gratitude

still havent done the koroba ponytail :(

I've been doing my own hair for awhile, but I'm curious (so curious) as to how long my hair has gotten recently. It's getting so full. Yesterday I did laundry and that made me feel much better. I'm thinking about working out today.... I love to workout by going up and down stairs.

I've definitely had days where I felt like "I'm better off dead" "Nobody cares" "My life is a waste" Those days are the hardest to get through because humiliating and disappointing moments keep swirling through my mind. All the ways I've been betrayed, all the lies, all the hurt.. They replay in my mind. It is so difficult living with 6+ mental illnesses in a world that can care less. When I got out the psych ward, the only thing that would calm me down is my bible. It's the only thing I can hang on to. The only thing that gives me hope, in a world where I have nothing. These days I have to pray twice a day to relieve my soul of suffering. Ever since my trip to Atlanta, I have felt so low. So sad. So hopeless. I'm still picking up the pieces that my family shattered in my life and it is not an easy feat. But prayer has helped me get through it. I want to fast along with my prayers tk get some clarity but I don't feel safe doing so ...

I have some new countries reading my blog such as Colombia, Dominican Republic, Spain, United Kingdom, and South Africa. I have readers from each country all within the same week, which is so inspiring to me. I'm not sure where these readers are coming from, as most of my views don't really come from my instagram link on my profile. Sometimes I want to delete this blog... Give up. Disappear from the face of this earth. But something.. I'm not sure what.. Keeps me going. I just don't know the future of this blog, but that shouldn't be any of my concern. As of now, it has readers from all over the world. Some days I open my blog and I'm so surprised by where my readers are from and what blog posts interest them the most. I'll never forget when I was the only one reading my blog and I still kept writing. I had so much to say and so much to give to the world when I was 22 (the age I was when I started this blog). Now, at 25, things are starting to slow down much...

In terms of good news, my nomination was accepted to study in the United Kingdom. I'm a little apprehensive about going (honestly) because I can't bring my cat with me. She's my baby, my best friend, my everything, and I'm going to miss her dearly... Everything I've been through this past year: divorce, heartache, deep financial struggles, calling off an engagement, quietness in my life, stillness.. Her little face and heart has been there. Just writing this makes me so emotional. I'll continue to pray about it and I'm hoping I can find someone here who can watch her and make sure she's well taken care of until I come back. But yes, other than that, I'm excited to study in the UK. I'll still be studying Africana studies and I'm even considering getting my degree in the UK (still not sure, going to see how the first semester goes). I started back praying as well. If you've been following this blog, I've been chanting 'nam myoho ren...

I think one thing that used to trigger my schizophrenic episodes that would lead me to the psych ward was the fact of interconnectedness and 'coincidence'. I have always been mentally ill, that is a fact. Maybe a considerably very known fact, since I've been called 'crazy' my whole life. But one thing that really triggered me was when a coincidence would occur. I started really noticing them after my brother passed away. I remember when I was 19 years old, just moved from Atlanta to Jersey, and was listening to 'Tell Me' by Bobby V. I walked into the Sephora on Washington St in Hoboken and they were playing the soundtrack to 'Tell Me' by Bobby V and I believe me and the Sephora were playing the same part. That scared me so bad and I wanted to scream. I tried to tell someone in the store and they all looked at me like I was that word.... "crazy". Since being on my meds, coincidences don't scare me as much as they used to. But I still de...

I finished Toni Morrison's book and I really like this one so far. I'm on page 33 and I've already learned so much. I definitely learned I need to pray more. I stopped smoking weed and I never really liked to drink anyways so letting alcohol go wasn't much of a fuss. I've been reading my bible morning and night for maybe a month now (give or take). Some days it's so hard.. I don't want to do it on the hard days, but I still push through. There's days I don't want to pray, I just want to lay in bed and give up. Those days are the hardest but I still do it. Some days are much easier than others.

Gonna try to finish my Toni Morrison book today

Got my hair twisted with chebe powder