Sadié Sidney

I love my big brother so so much. He was my favorite person in the world and I never thought that I'd have to be without him. I never thought I'd survive without him, but here I am. I have come to the point in my healing where I've realized he's not coming back. And you know, I'm ok with that. I'm ok with him not being here because he had such a hard life. A life filled with suffering, hardships, incest, extreme abuse, and tough times. I am so proud of how he overcame everything in his life and I know he's in a better place :) I no longer am so angry. I no longer cry tears of sadness, but I cry different tears these times. I cry because he's finally free. Free of all the severe abuse that he endured throughout his whole life. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I no longer ask God "Why?" No reason to question God. I will never love anyone as much as I loved my brother because he was so unique. Someone that didn't bother anyone and...

Nam myoho renge kyo I started chanting again and the emotional and spiritual results came almost instantly. I haven't been chanting for anything specifically, but I got a revelation today. The revelation is that my brother, Sidney, is free. For going on 5 years, I cried, I screamed, I hurt myself because I missed my brother. As of today, I realized that he's free. Nobody can hurt him anymore, nobody can touch him anymore, and I'm happy for him for that. I always walked around with a chip on my shoulder because I was so angry. Angry at the police. Angry at my father. Angry at the world. But most importantly, my brother is free. Something he never was his whole life. I'm on my way to go chant rn. I'm planning to read my favorite blog today and start from the beginning. http://chantforhappiness.blogspot.com/

I'm reading Anne Heche's book and she talks about the statistics of childhood s*xual abuse and it's astonishing. I cannot tell you how many times someone has told me their biggest secrets of being s*xually abused as a child because "Nicole, you're the only one that understands. You're the only one that would understand why I didn't tell anyone." It hurts my heart that it happens so frequently and so little is done about it. Children can't defend themselves properly and they are constantly being put in situations that are not appropriate for them. These are the same people that grow up to be called "crazy". I can't say this enough... Nobody's "crazy". Life is crazy. The whole world is crazy and what people are put through drives them to places in the mind that haven't been explored before. We have to remember that only a certain percentage of the brain is used. When people go through unimaginable things, it obviously...

I remember while I was reading Elizabeth Taylor's biography and someone saw the book in my hand. They laughed at Ms.Taylor and said "Ha, which husband is she on now?" I kindly reminded them of her work with AIDS and how amazing that was for the world and let that be the end of the conversation. It is so easy to judge someone who's been married 8 times because you don't know what that person has been through. Majority of her husbands were abusive and she had to leave to save herself. That is not a laughing matter. At least in my opinion. Being married 8 times doesn't make anyone less beautiful or desirable. I will always love Elizabeth for the work that she did for the world... That's what matters most.