Sadié Sidney

 The attack started yesterday after I was triggered. A customer came in to my job and she’s a pediatrician so sometimes she deals with child abuse cases and has to work with CPS. One of the children at the hospital got gonorrhea on her genitals from her uncle, and my manager asked how does an adult penetrate a child. And from there, I’ve been having a bad day and not feeling well. The answer she gave is that an adult would rub their penis on the child’s private area. I want to die. I want to die because that’s what my dad used to do to me almost every night and I had to be strong and fight him off. I got a rape kit when I was 5 years old. I’m not having a good day. I feel so misunderstood, so unloved, so disrespected, and so uncared for. I feel like the deepest shade of blue. I feel like a tornado. I don’t want to be around anyone, I just want to float forever. I know I’m sick. I know. But I can’t help it. If your dad did that to you, you’d be sick too. He never said sorry. He blam...

  I spent 5 hours at the spa! I did not anticipate that happening at all. I thought one hour was overdoing it. But no, they make you feel soooo beautiful there. I took three showers and washed and dried my braids thoroughly. I got a hip bath and she told me that I need to have sex with my boyfriend tonight lol, but tonight he's working so maybe tomorrow night.  This was one of the rooms for women only. I was just relaxing in there, it honestly felt so good. I love that I can walk around naked and be myself. It's a beautiful thing..... I was just walking around doing whatever I felt like doing. I was so happy when I went swimming lol. I love water!! They have maybe 6 pools for you to swim in.  This is the second level. It's a lounge area and then they have the dry sauna that you can sit in. I was laying down watching a scary movie and enjoying myself. I liked it so much.  This is me with the guest hat and uniform on. I thought the hats were soooo pretty!!!!! That's a ...

  I have so much pride in my grandma! I just wanted to appreciate her today. Her birthday is coming up in May and I miss her so much. It's so weird that her and Sidney passed 2 months apart. They are truly missed....

 (This is a continuation post from the last post. I wanted the last post to mostly be about my friend and his diagnosis. Out of respect, I put my conversations with others on this post.) God is everything. He is everywhere. You cannot hide from him and his works. I have felt his presence before and I know he is real. I know. My displaced friend(s) told me that I shouldn't feel bad when people hurt me, because they're beneath me. That one is a little hard for me to grasp. He said don't worry about people talking shit because not everyone is a good person. And when you're a good person, it shows through who you are. To be honest, I still struggle with people talking shit about me. Because I feel like I don't deserve it and I would hate to make someone else feel that way. But I know, no matter what ANYONE says about me, I know in my heart, my soul, and my spirit that I am a divinely good person. I know that I quietly give more than what I can even afford to give. I kno...

 I'm feeling really sad today because my displaced friend (the one pictured) was diagnosed with cancer... He's going through chemo rn. We've been friends for such a long while since I moved up here. It moved me to the point of tears (which is unusual for me because I understand that everyone's time comes and nobody is here forever). But I have such a soft spot for my friend and I know my life will be so different without him. I pray for him much because chemo is not easy and living on the streets is extremely hard while dealing with the toughness of radiation. I saw him yesterday in Hoboken, with his friend. His friend was telling me about the importance of having pride and God in your life. I agree with him. Your pride is everything... Pride in who you are, what you've been through, and where you come from... That's the representation of your heart and diligence. 

 I received so much great news today!!! Reading my bible and praying with my prayer book really works miracles. First of all, I got accepted for section 8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because I'm considered disabled, I was considered a case worker and they approved my application. Inspections are soon, I'm actually filling out the voucher today. I am so excited. Everybody that knows me knows I work hard to have my own things and now I can afford to relax a little and focus on school. This is great for me because it'll help when I'm in nursing school. I'll be able to focus on clinicals and keep my GPA up. Right now, I'm doing really good in school. Which I'm happy about it. I'm getting so much better about taking care of myself. At night, I decided to drink some tea and honey just to calm me down. I think that will be a ritual I'll try to do every night. I'm thinking about whether I want to work or not anymore, because I really don't have to. But I also ...

  So I changed my surprise for my boyfriend. We went to the gun range instead which I thought was so cool. I used to go to the gun range with my dad when I was little with my brother Sidney. Guns are so powerful and when you pull the trigger, you can feel it. Well today was kind of weird because I started to appreciate my childhood more. Even though I was abused, I can appreciate my mother, father, and grandmother for raising us to have survival instincts. My childhood was very tough, but it made me strong. I survived homelessness in New Jersey for a year, all by myself. I got my own house when I was 17. Those were things I accomplished due to the lessons I learned as a child. Having a father as a convicted felon and then growing up with a bedridden mother, I learned how to survive on my own because my parents couldn't help me. To be quite honest, I appreciate it. It's such a weird feeling and I don't know if it's short-lived but thank God I know how to make my way arou...

  I don't know what is going on, but I've been up to so many things. It was my birthday and I had 5 assignments due by midnight :( My family flew out to see me and I felt so bad because I was glued to my laptop but I got everything done on time and got a 100 on one of my finals. I was so happy to see my sister, niece, and nephew. They're getting big so fast that it makes me sad. They bought me some gifts from Pandora and a bunch of other things. It was so surreal to have them in my home in New Jersey and making them all some food. They want to come back for the summer and I think that's so cute. I would LOVE to have them but maybe I'd have to enroll them in a summer camp while I'm at work/school. And ACTUALLY, my student advisor referred me through written recommendation to a transfer program at Princeton. I honestly didn't know that Princeton was even in New Jersey. I have to wait until the beginning of April to see if I got accepted. I think that's so ...

 Today was interesting. First I was doing ok and I was so busy with all the appointments I had. I had like 5+ appointments today. But then I started talking to my therapist about Sidney's anniversary and now I'm upset again... This happens every year where I become angry at everyone who didn't help me when I needed it. It's so inevitable. I just haven't reached that point in forgiveness where I can let go, not yet but I think I'm getting there. I just hate that I feel like everyone watched me struggle and I suffered. I hate that I had to identify my brother with a gun shot wound in his head. I hate that I had my first rape kit when I was five years old. I hate that nobody could help us when we were being beat on at home. I hate that we were homeless. I hate that I've been raped. I hate that I've been abused. I hate that alot of people abandoned me when he passed. I hate that I've been molested before. I hate that he's not here. I hate it. Sometim...

  Ok so I've been busy busy busy! With school and work, it's been insane. But I have GREAT news. I got accepted into the nursing program at my school!!! It's so crazy because last year, around this time, I just got out the psych ward with no money, no plan, and I was two months behind on my rent (about to get evicted). I am in such a better space this year. And no psych ward visits this whole year! Which is such a big accomplishment considering I was always calling the suicide hotline and having to be on suicide watch. I am doing so much better! That medicine that I was taking for my psychotic break made me gain over 100+ pounds. From there, I was having health issues such as protein in my urinalysis, my bones were inflamed from all the weight, and pre diabetic. Since December, I lost about 70+ pounds and I'm coming back to my self. I have all a's in school (finals are next week, so fingers crossed that I keep my 4.0 up). I feel so much better. I think my schizophre...