Sadié Sidney

I already volunteer at the Hoboken homeless shelter and Postpartum Support International, but I'd also like to volunteer with r*pe survivors as well. I imagine I'm going to be pretty busy soon with clients because I've applied for many programs and doula initiatives and I'm just waiting to hear back from all of them. Life is changing for me and things are also becoming more simple for me. I've been upped on my meds so maybe that's why I've been a bit more calm lately, but my anxiety is getting so much better. I'm not really having anxiety attacks and crying spells as much as I used to. Thankfully I made it through the anniversary of my brother's passing and didn't get admitted into a psych ward (which is a big accomplishment). I've been out of the psych ward since April 24th, 2023. So soon, it will be a year!

I couldn't figure out what would make me feel better, so I decided to paint my nails. I NEVER paint my nails, I always hated it. But today, I had enough energy so I painted my nails. I just painted them clear, but honestly, I like it. I chose clear because I'm not the best at application and I didn't want to mess my nails up. It's a simple color, but to me, it shows that I tried. It shows that I'm getting better. Last year, when I got out the psych ward, painting my nails was never on my mind. Ever. Every day was a hard day and I was battling so many emotions and mental/physical ailments. As of today, I am doing so much better. I'm cooking, cleaning, and painting my nails (<3). My applications for the schools I applied for are finally complete and I can't wait for the results. I have class tonight and I don't want to go, but I'll try to enjoy myself. I honestly can't wait until I switch schools. I haven't had the best of times at my school

I'm in a lot of pain today, but I'm doing the best that I can. February 27th is the anniversary of my brother's passing and that day is always a downer. I usually am in the psych ward by now, but I've been fighting myself to not go. I hate the psych ward. I hate how they treat their patients, I hate the food, I hate the pillows... I do not like that place. I do want to go to the hospital to get help, but they never help me. Everyday I'm learning how to survive, how to self soothe, and how to be ok with everything that's happened. Identifying my brother with a gun shot wound in his head made me want to give up on life. It made me sad. It made me sick. That, upon many other situations, made me want to give up on life entirely. Despite everything, I've been trying my best in school. I've been cooking and saving money. I've been taking care of myself. I do get sad sometimes because I feel like my real friends are few and far between but that's ok! I

I decided I wasn't going to class today because Sidney's anniversary is tomorrow. Well, my teacher actually cancelled class so now I don't have to worry about missing anything. I was a little worried about my grade because I think if I miss class, I get points off my participation grade. I've been resting so much. I honestly haven't been feeling my best. I told my psychiatrist that I'm struggling eith suicidal tendencies and he upped my meds. Right now I'm on vraylar, prosazin, and setraline. Hopefully I start feeling better soon. I really think that my symptoms exacerbate because I'm always on my own. I have this feeling that I can't trust anyone, rightfully so, and so I stick to myself. It has its good side of being on my own, but also I long for a family sometimes. I don't want kids, but I do wish I had someone I could call home. I've never really had that in my relationships. When I got married, I thought we would be together forever and

I'm still not feeling my best due to Sidney's anniversary on the 27th, but I'm volunteering tomorrow at a center for African arts. Volunteering helps me feel better.

I have a meeting with a birth client tomorrow, which I'm so excited about! Now, she does want someone who has a speciality in hypnobirthing. I don't have that but I can find some classes, which I do not mind.

Thanks to me volunteering with Postpartum Support International, I was able to help 5 families <3 I am so proud of myself!!!! I am moving from an apprentice doula to a Tier 1 doula, which I'm so excited about. I cannot wait to meet all the families that I can help.

I'm interested in a direct-entry midwife program and I'm so excited! I can really envision myself as a midwife and that makes me happy. I had a rough day today, but just the thought of becoming a midwife made me feel so much better. i love helping women.

I had so much fun at the homeless shelter, it is forever my favorite place. I also got some books from a box in my neighborhood. They were just on the ground, so I thought to take a look. I've never read Iranian work, so I'm excited to read it. I really need to get a good start on reading my library books.

I'm volunteering at the homeless shelter today! I am so happy, I love the homeless shelter with all of my heart. It is my safe space. When I just got out the psych ward (for my first stay), it was the only place I felt completely comfortable at. I could be myself. I could be free. I still remember how scary it was for me when I just left the psych ward... That feeling of being lost. That feeling of complete humility. It's such an unexplainable feeling.

I've been feeling so discouraged lately due to Sidney's passing that I haven't been chanting as much. I'm going to start back chanting tomorrow. I also have a violent cold so that contributed to it as well. I usually chant outside when I'm walking, but since it's snowing I have to find another way to chant. I do NOT like chanting in the house because my schizophrenic ass can't sit still for nothing, but that may be what I have to try. Trying to chant in the snow is... alot. I actually think I chanted yesterday but I can't really remember. All of my days are running together because I've been busy with the college applications, my cold, grieving, court documents, etc. I'm busy, busy.

The next dish that I want to make is doro wat! It's an Ethiopian dish and I'm excited to try it! I didn't know that you could cook onions down for about an hour and a half. For doro wat, you have to cook them down for that long until they're brown. I love cooking international dishes, they are so yummy. I remember when I had this phase where I was obsessed with boiled eggs. So, I'm happy that there's a dish that incorporates boiled eggs. I am really happy to try this.

I'm trying to contemplate whether I will go to the psych ward or not this year. I'm definitely not feeling my best... I always forget how it feels every year around this time. It feels so horrible and so anxiety inducing. It feels like everything has fallen on my shoulders and I can't get up. It's been hard for me to brush my teeth, cook, wash dishes, shower, answer the phone... Everything has been hard. It's usually like this until after my birthday and then I get a bit better. I hate my birthday so much. Sidney was cremated towards my birthday so I have all these bad memories on that day. I feel so old now. I'm turning 24 this year! That's so weird. I literally remember when I was 16 years old and how much I went through in Atlanta living in my mother's attic. Sometimes I want to go back to simpler times and then I remember how stressful those times were and how hard they were on me. I'm proud of myself for staying in school despite everything that

I have so much anxiety about applying for all these schools! It's so much to send in and keep up with! I am excited but I'm also anxious. I don't know the future and that always makes me so anxious.

Finally I finished all my school applications! I applied to three schools and it was alot, but I'm doing it :) Finishing my applications made me feel so much better honestly.

For some reason, this year seems harder than all the other years I've had to grieve my brother Sidney. Or maybe I've forgotten how hard it was because I've been so busy with school, 2 businesses, etc. I feel so lost without my brother. I feel all alone even though I have people that care. All the flashbacks... All the PTSD... it is starting to get to me. I'm trying to hang on strong this year and not let anything put me back to the psych ward but it's very hard. I feel defeated.

I had totally forgot about this, but since Sidney's death, certain memories become triggered over the years. One thing that I remember is my dad always trying to catch me masterbating. He would always slowly creep up on me when I was in my room alone, crack the door, and make sure I wasn't touching myself. Sometimes he'd wait a long time and watch me and I'd have to act like I didn't see him while I sat in uncomfortable silence. It started when I was around 8-9 years old. At that age, I used to play with my pubic hair because I was just starting to explore my body. In those moments when I was exploring myself, I thought I was alone. The whole time my dad was watching me through a crack in the door. I only found out because one day he confronted me and asked me "Do you ever play with your pubic hairs?" and I immediately said "No!" and I ran off. In my head, I was thinking "How did he know that....". It was because he was watching me dur

So, every year this happens around the anniversary of Sidney's passing. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't like anyone. I only want my brother. Everything triggers me. I really wanted to rest during this time, but I have three open court cases due to me being a victim of domestic violence so I can be upset about that at times. I feel like nobody understands. Nobody gets it. I can feel so alone during this time. People say they care, but I simply just don't believe them. I've always struggled with my mental health, but I have been struggling so much since I lost my brother. He meant the world to me and more. The way it happened and how he still doesn't have justice bothers me to this day and it's been five years. Even though it's been five years, it feels like it was yesterday that he was braindead in the hospital. It's so much all at once but I try to get lost into books, my schoolwork, and birth advocacy to clear my mind of all the emotions. So

This book is do detailed about the suicide of her parents. Except the mysterious death of Cleopatra.

I love volunteering with PSI!

I try not to repost old pictures but this picture is so pretty!

I coded ICD-10-CM codes for my test tonight and got all the answers right.

I'm getting better at trading!

I can't believe I've been in NJ for five years! I moved in 2019 when I was 19, I was so young.

So, I'm thinking of transferring to Columbia University. I'm really nervous about the decision, but I'm considering it heavily. They have an Africana program that I think I would love!!

Well, I made $70 today through SMCI in stocks. It's becoming my favorite stock rn! I also coded tonight in class. I got every code right, except for one. I kind of like coding.

Princeton University requested to see me at my school, so I'm on my way to see them right now!!

I have to get back into Sister Soulja's work, I miss reading her words. I never knew she had an autobiography!!! I have to get it!

The anniversary of my brother's passing is coming up and my emotions are all over the place. I feel sad, humiliated, betrayed, misunderstood, and shameful. That event alone triggers so many events in my life and so many sad things. It makes me want to isolate myself and just be alone. BUT Im trying my best. He was cremated close to my birthday, so I naturally hate my birthday.

I tried black eye shadow on my lips to see if I'd like it. I still can't find a good lip combo that I love.

I made $100 today on the stock market, I'm slowly getting much better.

I really want to try the soap and see how that is <3

This week, because earnings are coming out, the stock market is volatile so it's been a bit hard to figure out the direction of stocks. Because of that, I think I'm only going to trade stocks after 11 until things become a little more stable. Through my studying, I realize that the market direction usually changes between 11:00am-11:30 am, so I'm going to focus on that because that's much easier than trying to trade during a choppy morning. Tomorrow is the first day that I use this strategy so we'll see how it goes.