Sadié Sidney

Be faithful in small things

I got 13 books ☀

So good I finished it in less than 24 hours

Just came back from Hoboken, about to take a nap before I write this paper for journalism class

So... Reluctantly, I tried to use Ambi exfoliator on my face and I broke out soooo bad! So bad that I have to use concealer when I go out. My face hates exfoliation and I think it's because my eczema reacts really bad with it. I know my face has hated exfoliation since I tried to use St Ive's peach scrub and I had the most adverse reaction when I was a teenager. It happens everytime, but I always try to say "maybe not this time". Now that I know this, I know that my eczema reacts well to baby products, especially Johnson & Johnson. So, I'm moisturizing my face 2-3x a day and that has helped calm it down alot. My face gets so upset when I try to exfoliate it and it truly ends in turmoil for months actually. Although, the baby products calm it down alot, but it's still going to take some time for my face to fully heal and recover. Which is nobody's fault, but mine. Right now, I'm reading this book called 'A Family Affair' by ReShonda Tate ...

Midterms are next month. Time has really been flying by so so fast. I'm not ready at all for the year to end. Next year is going to be something... But I'm really ready for 2027. I don't know, I have a strong feeling about 2027. Today I learned how to make over medium hard eggs. I honestly didn't even know that was a thing. I was just tired of making scrambled eggs and I don't like runny yolk in my sunny side up. I have more of those smoked pork chop bites, but I'm probably just going to put those over jasmine rice and call it a day. I feel like lately my school work has been slowing up a bit, I felt like I was writing 4 papers at one time for a little bit. But it is much better now and more manageable. I have some okra in the fridge. I have no idea why I bought it our what I thought I was going to do with it. I'm going to see what I can do with it so I don't have to throw it away lol.

Right now, I'm at 16,500+ views on my blog, with about ~500 views a month. Sometimes I want to stop writing because I don't want people to see my most private moments displayed online, but then I think about when I was a teenager and how something like this would've given me hope to keep going. I'm kind of in between the two as I'm on my healing journey. As time goes on, I'll decide what I want to do. Especially if I enter into another relationship, I don't want to be talking about or posting about that online. I have always tried my absolute best to keep my relationships private, as much as I can. Which is hard, especially when I struggled with infidelity during my marriage. There were days I wanted to just cry out in angst about what people have put me through, but I always decide against it. It's just against better judgement, but I do always want to say something and express myself sometimes. Maybe for my *more private* moments, I can keep it sacred ...

I remember the first time I read 'Coldest Winter Ever' and I could not get enough of Midnight! I thought he was so interesting and I was so intrigued by his words, his mystique, his everything. I think I was around 17 when someone gifted me the book 'The Coldest Winter Ever'. You cannot tell me nothing about that man. So I'm about to enjoy ALL 600 pages about him. Since the beginning of August, I've read about 10+ books. I've mentioned it over and over again, but I've been checking out alot of books by African-based authors (I know Sister Souljah is not African-based). One thing I've noticed is that, sometimes the beginning is a little rough to get through every time. It's like I have to settle in and expand my mind but once I do... The book changes my life. And then I'm sad because I don't want it to end. Then on to the next one. I love reading my books with my oat milk and chai tea after finishing my school work. I can read for the who...

The test I was so worried about... I got 100% on. I am so surprised as I was genuinely concerned that I failed the test and, at most, was awarded a C. My school did nominate me to study in the UK and we will see how that goes.

big girl turned 1 recently

One thing I struggle so badly with is giving too much and that definitely started in my childhood. My dad would always yell and spank me for being selfish. It was like I was never giving him enough even when I was willing to give my life for my dad to love me and see me as his precious daughter. I'd give anything for my dad to say I was beautiful. But I never heard it. He never told me I was beautiful as I waited for him. I wanted him to desperately stop smoking cigarettes and heroin, because it would make him so angry. It was scary for a child to see him being so loving and warm one day, then another day he would turn into someone unrecognizable. A monster. A true monster. I remember one Christmas, I accumulated $100 in gifts. He got so angry at me for wanting to save my little $100 and made me spend my Christmas money on him. When he received the gifts from me, he said "What the fuck is this shit?" and laughed in my face. The gifts were all I could afford and it felt so...

I am so excited. I just ordered 3 books off Amazon by Achebe. At this time, books set in Africa just make me so emotional. It really brings out a side of intellectualism, empathy, and honor that is indescribable. Reminds me of home. School is going good so far. I'm a little anxious about getting some of my tests back, but I'm sure all is well.

I haven't been working for about 8 months because I decided to retire after a really tough experience at a hospital in Long Island during a birth. I was thinking that I wasn't strong enough or smart enough to be a doula. Even though I've successfully delivered 10+ babies, I have my doubts. I have my reservations. But through prayer and through talking to other doulas, I decided that I may start my practice back up again. I'm still praying on it so I'm not sure, but it's just a thought. I don't really know yet.

I'm not going to lie, this was so good! I have some more vegetables that I could've added but the broccoli, onion, green pepper, and tomatoes were enough. I have some butternut squash but I don't know. I'm trying to find some ways to incorproate the squash in a tasty way.

obviously it needs some work but I did try..

I totally forgot to mention about the day that I almost died from falling and had to get 8 stitches. I'm still very insecure about my ear even though it has healed nicely. I get really bad intrusive thoughts about what could've happened and how I could've injured myself more (not good, I know). I was eating pizza and it spiked my body's levels and then they dumped... Leading me to get light headed and dizzy causing me to fall and knock myself unconcious. I still have absolutely no idea what I cut my ear on and I couldn't find any blood in my apartment, so that remains a mystery because I didn't and never have had an earring in that spot of my ear. This happened earlier this year and I had to be rushed to the hospital. I don't think I've ever injured myself before (that I can remember other than scars, bruises, busted lips, etc from when I was little playing rough) so I was so so shocked. Like I said, I'm still very insecure about my ear and you can ...

For some reason, when someone's spouse passes away, it makes my tears flow. I remember that book brought such an emotional response out of me at 15 years old. I couldn't finish the rest of the book because I don't think I was old enough to understand its themes. My next round of books will definitely contain this book though and I'm hoping I can get more into it.

I learned yesterday that I have high porosity hair. I think my hair has really high porosity because it loves loves protein. I put this protein mask in my hair and it has been happy ever since. It really loves the chebe paste that I made with the protein mask. For now, I'm not really combing or stretching my hair as much. I just add the chebe paste and it driea curly on its own. I really wish I had this formula in high school when I was spending all my money on weaves and wigs. I still like weaves and wigs but I now feel more comfortable with having my hair out and letting it breathe.

This book is set during the war (c. early 2000s) between Northern and Southern Sudan. It is really bringing out emotions in me... It was actually in the children's section of the library, but I don't think this book is for children at all. The name of it is 'A Long Walk to Water'. I found it while looking up 'A Long Walk to Freedom'. So much has happened to Salva (the main character) in the book. First, he lost his family to the war. From there on, he lost his friend to a lion. Then a group of thieves killed his uncle. I want to cry. Books about Africa are so much to take in because it's a way if life that I'm not necessarily used to. Some of the words that I read are like a sharp piercing to the heart. This book is ~100 pages but it's moving me in so many ways. I'm having physical reactions to Salva's pains. Such a great book that's changing me.

I'm watching The Ultimatum Queer Love and it's so so intense. The episodes are like an hour long so I'm watching them in parts, day by day. I actually just called off an engagement not too long ago, so I really don't know if this would be triggering to me. Not sure. I know when we were working on our engagement, my feet were so cold. Frozen. I felt like I deserved 'more'. What that more is.. I'm not sure what it looks like or how it will arrive. I just had a bad bad feeling and it pushed me to get out of there and go NC. It just wasn't 'right'. Something was telling me no, there's more out there. It sucks when you want to marry someone and they don't feel the same. Or when you want to be with someone and all they want is sex. Such an intricate and complex situation to be apart of with emotions all over the place. I don't think I've wanted to marry someone and they did not want that, I'm always the receiving end of that one. Bu...

I made the stewed chicken for dinner and it was so good. After I got sick, my cooking skills diminished along with alot of other things. I feel like when I was sick, I wasn't myself. I was somebody that I didn't recognize and it was hard to identify with the positive attributes of myself. I was so angry, disgusted, disappointed within myself and within the world I exist in. It was a terrible bout of sickness and when I got out the psych ward, I was not prepared to start over. I had to learn everything all over. When I was living in Atlanta, I was always cooking for my guests. I loved cooking them vegan meals and I got pretty good at it. I know that I can never be that same person I was in Atlanta, but I can choose to learn to be better and stronger. It's my choice.

I don't even think I dropped it for like a minute omg

I'm going to add my chebe powder and my Cecred oil to it with some palm oil (trying to think of anything else I'll add to my paste).. Right now, I'm getting the oil hot for my basa filet. The filet is so big that I'm going to have to cut it in two and fry the pieces like that. They had extra at the store too, it said it was from Vietnam which I thought was interesting. I've never cooked with corn oil so this will be my first time. Been listening to Gospel music all day, hopefully I finished all my school work for the week. I believe I did, but I always double check on Sundays.

I love vegetables, especially nowadays. I plan to eat more eggs too. Most of the veggies are for a stir fry with some smoked pork chop bites over rice.

I'm thinking of doing a bang with koroba braids and then a afro pony. The ponytail will have my hair, but the braids need some length so I'll be adding some extensions. I'm excited to play in my hair. Of course I'll try to post pictures. Sometimes when I do my hair it doesn't end up the way I think it will, so we'll see how this goes.

I'm getting so much better at trading. I think what works for me is not trading everyday and taking many breaks. That's what's best for my mental health. Breaks and rest. I've been trained by my parents to keep going, never stopping for rest water or food, and then keep going some more. I'm not pointing out any flaws from the parenting I've received during this lifetime, but as an adult, that approach doesn't necessarily work for my mental. I think that's what sent me to all those psych ward stays and all those mental breakdowns. Everybody needs rest, everybody needs time to themselves. I'm also scared of the notion and idea of breaks. What's going to happen if I stop? Will I lose my momentum? Will I survive? Will I be ok? I have to really get through my head that breaks are just fine, I'm human. Take a break and come back stronger. That's it.

I found a healer who has helped many before me and I'm excited. We already had a session this week and we're having another one today. Healing is such a scary, but beautiful journey that I've been trying to set my feet on for so long. I pray and rebuke the spirit of stagnation over my life. I personally feel like I've been very stagnant since COVID. It could very well be all in my head (the schizophrenia talking) but I feel like I haven't gone anywhere substantial since COVID. I want to go places... not anywhere special, just SOMEWHERE. Anywhere but just sitting here and watching paint dry. Like I said, from the outside looking in, I could very well be moving. Like a swan calm on the surface, but struggling immensely below the surface. I'm excited for this healing journey. I'm excited for change. I'm excited for new. Just excited in general.

I've been watching this series on Netflix called 'Grace and Frankie' and I really like it. They mentioned how amazing of a woman Indira Gandhi is and I watched her interviews and became enamoured by her grace and charisma. She's the definition of a strong woman. School is going so well, which I'm really ataken back by. I don't know, I was nervous about starting the semester at a new school. I was so used to school at my community college. I found out my GPA was 3.971 and that made me feel better. All these years I've been in school, I've been trying my absolute best. When I was taking a walk around my neighborhood, I saw these two kids on a scooter. They looked like brother and sister, but I could be misplacing their relationship. It reminded me of Sidney and Nicole... me and my brother. We used to go everywhere together and do everything with one another. I miss that sometimes and it can be a bit hard to move forward without Sidney. It's hard. It...