Sadié Sidney

 I accomplished soooo much today! I’m like 2 units behind on my schoolwork, but I’m speeding through it. At school, I did school work for 3-4 hours straight, which I could never do. I can’t even sit down for five minutes most times, so I’m so proud of myself. My phone has been so busy, everyone was calling me yesterday. It was crazy. I really thought when I quit my job, my life would relax. Absolutely not! I’ve been a busy girl. I actually am thinking about being a Muslim again. I went to Newark yesterday and a police officer was trying to flirt with me like sir what are you even DOING. Gospel music got me through school yesterday. God knows I do not like sitting in one spot. Today I have a medication management appointment which I’m nervous about. It’s my first one and I need them to sign some disability papers from my school. Busy, busy woman. Oh yeah! I got a plant. My last plant got frozen, so I renamed this one Mother Teresa. She looks so pretty in my window, she’s a pretty pretty

  I’m back home from the Bronx. I went to school today and accomplished so much. To be honest, I got so frustrated with my work that I wanted to withdrawal from all my classes. But I took a walk, calmed down, and completed what needed to be done. I can’t forget that I just got out the hospital Monday, but also I need to get this work in before the end of the semester. I’m handling everything well. I’m going to order out today to celebrate me completing my tech work. That work is so hard and redundant. I thought my appetite came back but not really. I wanted to eat all my breakfast but I didn’t finish it. The Reason I Jump is a book about autism and I’m so excited to read it! It’s at my school but I might like it so much so I was thinking of buying it. Anytime I get a book from the library, I never want to give it back. Now that I’m not working, I have time to go to the library which I love. I lost so much weight, none of my clothes are fitting. So I have to do shopping. But honestly, I

  I went back to the psych ward again :( This time I went to the Bayonne psych ward called 5b. It wasn't bad but I was there for a week and I wanted to go home. I was experiencing schizophrenic features so I had to stay there. But they put me on zoloft and abilify. I FINALLY got an official diagnosis of schizophrenia, major depressive disorder, and severe PTSD. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared. And I'm tired of going to the psych ward being locked down. I missed so much when I was in the psych ward and I have to make so many calls and appointments today. I'm with my fiance's family rn because my doctor/friends/family don't want me to be alone rn. I have so much to do and I'm afraid I won't be on the dean's list anymore. I just have so much anxiety from being locked away. This happened last time. And I'm not sleeping either. I actually missed my fiance so much, which I'm surprised about because I usually hate him. Everyone is so concerned

  We went to the American Dream Mall today. I didn’t know today was Easter, so it was packed! But omg, they have EVERYTHING. I hated the Ferris wheel. But they have a water park, ice skating rink, snowboarding/skiing, and an amusement park for kids. We were there for 4 hours. It didn’t even feel like 4 hours and we still didn’t see everything. That mall is huge omg. When we go back, we’re going to go to the water park, skiing, and ice skating rink. The amusement park is so cool and I want to take my niece and nephew.  My boyfriend asked me if I would marry him this month or next month. And we’re making plans. He told me he doesn’t want me to work anymore, and he just wants me to stay at home and have fun. That sounds like a great idea to me. I need the help since my disabilities make it so hard to work now. And he’s literally everything I prayed for, but I’m still scared. And I have so many questions. I haven’t been reading my Bible, which I’m ashamed of, but I want to start reading it

  I’m so happy that I quit my job!! I’m having so much fun being at home without people getting on my nerves all the time. I went grocery shopping today in Hoboken. I live in Bayonne, but Hoboken has more money in their neighborhood so their grocery stores are better. I got the stuffed salmon (I was sad that the ingredients said imitation crab :( ) but it should be good. There’s two books that I want to order. I want to order All About Love and Mel B’s book about coercive abuse. I think she is so strong for being vulnerable and open about her experiences and I’m so proud of her. I bought so many groceries today. I’ve just been cleaning all day really. I got some new cleaning products, which I’m excited about, that I’m using on the house. Im washing everything today and throwing out everything. I always purge about once a week or every other week where I throw out things that I don’t need. I hate clutter and I try to be as minimalist as possible. I moved my plants around. I realize I ha

 My ex tried to boil my face in water  I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years. In this relationship, I survived financial, physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. He borrowed so much money from me and promised to pay me back but never did. When I started saying no to him asking me for money, that’s when he would strangle, degrade, and threaten me. After years of that, I felt it was best to end the relationship which he refused and said we can’t. I stopped talking to him and one day he asked if he could come over to use my Wi-Fi. I said yes, not really thinking of it because he needed help. He coerced me into having sex with him, which I realize now that it was rape. After that, he found out that I was with someone else. He kept asking me who was the person I’m talking to and I refused to answer because I didn’t want to put anyone in danger. From that point on, he verbally and physically assaulted me for 1-3 hours. I couldn’t keep track of the time because I didn’t have my phone wi

  I’m thinking about changing my career goals due to my mental limitations. I’m excited that I got into the nursing program at my school, but I don’t think that career is good for my mental health. I saw an ad for a finance and technology opportunity and they get you jobs at Google. It’s through my school and they have a stipend. I applied for it today and I’m excited about it! I would love love love to work for Google. That would be so cool. Being in an office and requesting special needs accommodations might be the best thing for me. I really liked being an accounting clerk and I was pretty good at it. Today it’s 70 degrees outside so I’m going to take Boi (the dog I’m watching) out. They started my workers comp case yesterday. I have NO idea how that’s going to turn out, but I’m praying about it. I’m so thankful for my school, they have so many great opportunities. I don’t know how long the finance and tech opportunity is, but I’m willing to go for it. I might have more flexibility.

 I’m not feeling well today, so I’m going to stay in and get some rest. I’m in so much pain </3 but I’m managing to take care of Daisy. That’s the dog lol. I never never thought in 1,000,000 years that I would be sick with mental health issues. It makes me so sad sometimes because I can’t even help it, I just have to manage. But I’m grateful that I can stay at home and rest in a safe place. Such a divine blessing…. But now I’m wondering… is it safe for me to go to nursing school? Will I be hospitalized during my semester? Will I hurt myself or others? I have always wanted to be a nurse and getting admitted into a good school’s program is such a dream come true. But can I handle it? Will I be ok? Those are important questions to ask. What I’m going to try to do is just rest it out until fall 2024 (my admittance date) and see how I feel. I might just need some rest and some family time. I love my sister and her kids. I love my uncles. I love my cousins. I think I’m ready to have a rel

 Omg I lost sooo much weight. I’m still losing weight. I gotta buy new clothes because none of my clothes really fit that well. I’ve been back to cooking, which is so good. Yesterday I finished my dinner, but Monday (Parmesan crusted tilapia, Mac and cheese, boiled eggs, and spinach) I didn’t finish it. I think I need to go back to raw veganism until my taste hallucinations stop (annoying schizophrenia symptom). When Sidney passed, I got so sick… I couldn’t eat anything! I was a raw vegan for a long time because dairy, meat, and cooked foods tasted SOO bad. So I think I’m back to that. I probably have to just drink smoothies and salads for a little bit. But in salads, you can put a lot of nutritious ingredients so that’s good. I was at my school all day yesterday! Which I’m so happy about. I am such a little good, nerdy girl at heart and always have been. I get a refund check on Friday from my school, which is cool. I never got a refund check before so I’m excited. I love Caesar salads

 I woke up early today!! Thank God I feel so much better and I’m not glued to my bed. Yesterday and the day before was rough……. But I wrote a 1,000 page essay and I’m on my way to school to finish 8 assignments. Hopefully it doesn’t take me too long because I want to lay at home and get some more rest. Later this week, I’m going to go to the salon to get my braids taken out. I’m going to miss these braids <3 They’re so so pretty. I like the braided bang, it’s so beautiful and I will be getting it again but a different style. On Wednesday, one of my favorite dogs is coming. His name is Boi, he’s so little and cute. It’ll be nice to have a companion to sleep with while I’m trying to get better. I also realized that I don’t need to be working, I can afford not to work and I get so so triggered at work from being around other people. I just need to work hard at my businesses and I will be ok. I’ve gone a year or two without working before. It was tough, but I didn’t go to the hospital a

  I don’t feel good and haven’t been feeling well lately. On Thursday, someone who works with CPS came into my job talking about a story of a 3 year old who has gonorrhea on her private area from her uncle. My manager asked how does an adult penetrate a child if they’re undeveloped and the lady said that the adult rubs their member on the outside of the genital area and tries to penetrate. So yeah….. I was triggered from my childhood. Triggered from my dad sexually abusing me and having to get a rape kit at 5. I quit my job and now I’m staying at home. I’m going to try to make myself feel good and just get some beauty rest. I was about to go to the hospital yesterday for strong suicide ideation but I have so much school work and I want to remain on the dean’s list. I’m struggling but I’m doing my best to manage and try to get things done and remain calm. Luckily, I’m not manic or anything. I just feel like the deepest shade of blue. Today I don’t feel as suicidal as yesterday, because