Sadié Sidney

Bling is a good book so far! It reminds me of Sista Soulja in so many ways. I think 'The Coldest Winter Ever' was set in New York too but I could be wrong. But yes, Bling is set in New York... I'm just trying to get into the juicy stuff honestly! So far I'm on page 160 out of 500 pages. I really want to finish this book so bad. I think the Elizabeth Taylor book that I read was 500 pages and it took me a bit of awhile to finish, but I loved it. I admire women so much. They are so powerful, mysterious, and posed. I aspire to be just like my grandma in that way.

Ok! So I'm making profit, but my account isn't growing as fast as I'd like it to. My goal was to make $100/day and the closest I'm getting to that is $70/day which isn't quite my goal (I know I sound anal). My account is still very small but I'm trying to grow it to atleast 20,000 by June (which I know is very very possible). They put me on some medicine that helps with nightmares, but I'm still having nightmares. I honestly want to switch psychiatrists, but my psychiatrist is the best psychiatrist in the area which is frustrating alone. I'm a bit frustrated in life because I'm trying to do 1,000,000 things at one time, but I'm doing the best I can honestly. And that's all I can do.

I had my coding class today and I was very happy. Coding is almost like organizing to me and I love to organize and clean, so it's a great choice for me. NYU had some internships at the UN which I thought was so cool. I cannot wait to attend an Africana studies class, it will be so nice and fulfilling for me. I would love it!!!!

I love my projector.

I think I started chanting nam myoho renge kyo about 60 days ago and watching The Secret everyday for roughly 30 days. My life and attitude has changed so much... I feel so much lighter, happier, peaceful, and kind. I have everybody I need in my life, and in such a short time I've had many revelations that made me appreciate life more. The people closest to me know that I struggle with s*icidal thoughts and majority of those thoughts have completely vanished leaving me with a spotless and clear mind. As of today, things are getting better and I have much to look forward to.

I have to thank God/Allah for everything he's done in my life.

I'm thinking about moving to Newark. It's where I get my hair done and it's close to my school. I found some apartments by a Swahili restaurant that I like and they're so pretty. I love big windows and nice views and it has all of that. It's not that expensive and it's in an area that I love. In Bayonne, they don't have meat markets and African stores. Since I was last married, I cook with more diversified seasonings and vegetables such as anise, scotch bonnet peppers, ginger, etc so I need to be where they sell all of those items. I'm excited about moving! I've been in the same apartment since 2020 and I've experienced alot of racism and mean people.

I used this today to cook stewed chicken and it was so good. It's kind of like a browning? I love cooking so so much. It's very calming and I like cleaning the kitchen afterwards.

I have this grocery dilemma right now where I've made a budget of $300 a month to buy groceries. The thing is... I shop at an International supermarket by my home (because I love them) but their prices are soo high. So, I decided to shop at Shoprite and the chicken I bought was so.. bad :(. The quality was nowhere near as good as the quality at the International supermarket I usually frequent. So, I'm trying to figure out how to buy groceries OR if I should just shop at Walmart. I faintly remember shopping at Walmart and the prices were ok. But, seriously, the other times I've been to Shoprite, the prices were so good. So, maybe I'll get my meat (specifically chicken) from the International market and then I'll get the rest from Shoprite. That's what I'm thinking.

I want to start posting 3 times a day on here, but I don't want to force it either. I like posting on here because I can say what I want without looking "crazy". Or having someone judging me and saying mean things to me. This is my safe space :). I don't know who specifically reads this blog, but I hope it helps atleast ONE person to do the best that they can despite. To be a writer, dancer, screenwriter, producer, artist, or just to be themselves in a world that doesn't respect or accept them! That's my goal. Like I reflected before, when I first started this blog, I attached it to my instagram. I'm shadowbanned on instagram, so the only person who was really reading my blog was ME. That was it. So, in my head, I thought, "Wow! One person is reading my blog! Yay!" and that honestly kept me going. It would've hurt my feelings so bad if nobody read my blog, to be honest, and I would've stopped writing. So far, even though my blog is a smal...

So, today (in stocks) I made $100 off of a $50 contract. I'm going to make a goal of making $100/day off of stocks. This week, to be honest, it wasn't easy. I kept closing contracts early, getting into bad contracts, and getting into contracts prematurely without staking out the charts first. I'm in a discord that helps with trading and it's helped out so much! Today I traded Netflix, but Microstrategy and Super Micro Computer are the stocks that I always have my eyes on. They're the first stocks that I look at for the day. So, what I'm going to do is try to trade just ONE contract a day (as a day trader) and keep it simple. That seems to be what works best for me. I tried swing trading and I was kind of ok at it, but day trading is more of my thing. Although, one thing I'm getting better at is leaving contracts at the right time. I do that by looking at the resistance points etc and using patience. My last two successful trades really proved that to be true...

I shared my story in group therapy today... One thing that still bothers me and kept me up last night was my ex that tried to boil my face in water. I know there are times when I can talk about it much but the PTSD from that situation is so severe that it prohibits me from going to sleep and stays in my thoughts during the day. But yes... My ex who I was with on and off for three years tried to boil my face in water because he said I cheated on him when I tried to leave him. It was so humiliating. I didn't want the police involved, I didn't want anyone involved. I just really wanted to be left alone... He told me that I'd never be anything other than sucking another man's dick and that hurt my feelings so bad. Like I said, it is one of the things that still bothers me to this day even though it happened in 2018 and it still can bring a bit of sadness to me. In group therapy today, I shared my story and they were so supportive and that made me feel better. I do want to d...

I went to class today for medical coding and it wasn't so hard. I am very at peace.. I'm still scared, but I'm proud of myself. I hate leaving the house. They said the market is going to be volatile next week so I'm anticipating that.

I think it's important for me to get out of the house which is why I'm happy that I have physical class today. Next week I'm meeting with a professor to talk about scholarships and how to apply for them. I only know how to apply for them through FAFSA. I've never applied for any other scholarships so I need a bit of help with that. I am happy to meet with the professor honestly and work on my writing. I have been applying to many, many fellowships and writing grants. I'm just doing the best that I can.

Wow! I hit 5,000 views on my blog today. I have a very small blog, but I'm grateful for it. I get to express how I feel without someone telling me what to say, how to say it, what not to say, etc. I can just be myself. I can just be free. One thing that I wished and pondered on when I was a child was freedom. Being free from my sexually abusive father, being free from abuse, being free from Georgia, and being free to be me... Sometimes I still struggle with that sense of being free and I still experience abuse and even most recently. But I'm working on it! I am working on being free from abuse and I am taking the necessary steps to remove myself from it. I can't really talk about the recent abuse that I've experienced that led to a restraining order and pressing harrassment charges but I can say that I'm doing the best that I can in every way. I am trying not to let people walk all over me anymore. Take me for granted. I've had people take a lot from me... One s...

My official diagnoses are schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, PMDD, depression, anxiety, and severe PTSD. To be honest, the hardest part about living with my disabilties is the wanting to live and trying not to hurt myself. The sleepless nights, the overeating, undereating, racing thoughts, and paranoia all add to not wanting to live. Trying to find a therapist and psychiatrist that half way cares and isn't just throwing medications at you makes it even harder. I have to admit that it's not an easy life, I don't care what anyone says. They don't know. Every little inconvenience, rumor, or mean person makes me want to cut or hurt myself. It sounds so dramatic but it is truly the reality of the situation. Like right now, I can't get a full nights sleep to save my life. I've tried everything from melatonin to sleeping pills. It's been like this almost my whole life. It's like I'm nocturnal or something. I sleep during the day and stay up most of the night...

I have class at the same time as this, but I'm going to try to go!

Ok so this coding thing isn't so bad actually. It reminds me of when I was doing data entry work. I also applied to be a birth justice defender for Haitian and immigrant mommies. I have so much going on.. I'm also on hold for a photoshoot. I'm busy, busy, busy. Tonight I have a doula class which I'm so excited about. I can't wait to be a successful doula. It sounds weird but I have dreams about childbirth, that's how much I love it.

I got the book that I've been talking about! My library ordered it for me. When I got it I was so surprised, it's 500 pages long! I did not expect it to be so long but I'm excited to get into it. I finished Fela's book and I was happy with it. He was an amazing amazing person...

I made turkey wings yesterday and they were so so good. I also made the gravy. Since I'm not so sick anymore, I can officially go back to my love of cooking. I love to cook! I went to New York today which I never do, so I was exhausted yet happy. If you've ever spent a morning/day in New York, you know how exhausting it can be. So many people, so much walking, etc but I really liked my time there today. I fixed my headphones and got some paperwork together.

I am scared for my life.

I fried a chicken thigh, made blueberry waffles, and blue berry tea. I also am making beef stew rn. The meat has been boiling for two hours, I'm going to let it boil for another hour and then make the gravy.

I have so many questions like am I smart enough? Will I understand coding? What if I want to give up? I am so extremely nervous about this...

I'm so nervous!!!!

Oh I also made like $150 today through stocks! My new goal is to make at least $100 a day in stocks. I'm in a discord where we just talk about stocks and it's been helping alot. Alot of my plays, I make myself, but when it comes to SPY, I rely heavily on the discord because they know more than me. I do have to make a habit of waking up at 9:30 am every morning, so I can trade on time. If I would've woke up on time today, I would've made more money but I was so tired. My best friend was traveling today and I was waiting on him to make sure he was ok. I love him so much. On to changing my major to medical coding... I changed my major because I wanted a certificate in something where I could possibly work from home while I major in Africana studies. I think that would work out better for me. I have so much going on in my life... I'm a post partum doula (yes, I still get clients but mostly virtually), I'm a medical coding major, and I applied for Africana studies at...

It's so surreal to not have him here, I love my big brother so so much. Last week was his birthday and I kept thinking about him... How special he truly was. I'm not saying he's special because he's my brother or because he passed, I'm saying he's special because he truly was.

I wish I got a better picture of my makeup, but none of them came out right.

It was such an honor listening to Mandela's grandson talk about change, the youth, and the facts of the history of Africa. It was so beautiful and so heart warming. Truly an honor... So, of course, I'm trying to change my major again to medical billing. I was thinking of doing medical billing while I'm in school at NYU. It was jut a thought and now I'm trying to pursue that.

I made beef neck bone red stew. It is so yummy. I had to get them tender for three hours which makes me think to get a pressure cooker to speed up cooking times. I went grocery shopping which is always my favorite thing to do. I also made oxtails again, this time using a traditional jamaican recipe. It tasted like ribs lol, I have to figure out how to get the color to be a bit more brown, it seems dark to me.

I'm wondering if I should trade today or not...

Everyday is so unexpected and that scares me. What's scaring me the most these days is school. School is so scary. Am I going to be accepted? Will I get a full ride? I can't control life but I know I really want to study Africana studies, it's all I've talked about since my first African boyfriend named Almodad. We were together awhile.. Maybe five years. Since then, I have always loved where he came from and how hard his parents worked. The other option I have for school is Rutgers, but I don't really want to go there. I have my eyes on NYU and that's what I'm praying for. I'm sad, excited, depressed, happy, bored, and stressed all at the same time. If that makes sense.

So I'm having bad nightmares about my dad and it's making me not sleep. Every dream is pretty much the same.. Me being at his house in Marietta and something evil happening to me/us. It's so weird. My brother, Sidney, is always there and our dad is chasing us around. It's really scary and making me not sleep. My psychiatrist did prescribe me some meds to help me feel better and stop having nightmares.

They also have Swahili in addition to Yoruba at my future school, so I'm looking into that. My best friend from Kenya speaks Swahili and he taught me a little bit. He wants me to learn Swahili so bad, so I actually might take that instead of Yoruba. I want to move on completely from my ex husband so it might be better to learn a language that is not associated with him. I'm in a schizophrenia support group and it helps so much. We talk about things that are completely relatable and relevant to schizophrenia which is great. When I was first diagnosed, I felt so sad. I felt like I would never live a normal life. I would always be depressed, lonely, and misunderstood. That ideaology changes everyday, especially being surrounded by people that understand. They have group everyday which helps so much. I don't even know how I found these groups, but I'm very happy that I did.

I'm really thinking about my future and I want a PhD in Africana studies to pursue research and the ratification of HIV/AIDS around the globe, but more exclusively in Africa. I'm like really excited about this revelation honestly. Before, I was majoring in medicine but I'm disabled and the work environment (I believe) would be too much for me. This degree gives me more flexibility and it's something that I love to learn about. It also puts me in the foot steps of my Grandma Sadie who worked with the UNIA to provide underpriviledged, BIPOC identified students the means to study and research (of the many things that the UNIA does). I feel so happy. I got my NYU ID today which I'm excited about. Everything is coming together and I do have to attribute a bunch to chanting. Chanting has given me new perspectives on things and the ability to go after things I may be reluctant to pursue in the past. I'm going to try and read 50 pages of Fela's book everyday so I ca...

They have Fela's book!! I'm going to try and read all of my other books first so I can return them to the library.

I'm still recovering but I'm getting stronger everyday.

I had to remind myself this today. When you first start chanting, things usually can get worse before they start synchronizing. I had to learn this the first few months I started chanting. It seemed like nothing could go my way, but eventually change did come. I just had to be consistent with my practices. As of today, I've been chanting every day and watching The Secret for about a month straight. It's been working emotionally, but also opening me up to experiencing new feelings and new emotions. Alot of trauma that I forgot about has come up and reminded me of itself, which is ok.

I've been meaning to trim my birds of paradise plant for awhile. Because the plant gets so big, the top of its leaves don't reach the sunlight. It makes me sad :(. Although it makes me sad, I've been praying to move to a place that has bigger windows so my plants can thrive more. My plants names are Mother Teresa, Eva, and Tremaine.

I will be seeing Nelson Mandela's grandson at my school on January 18th. I am very excited to see him and hear what he has to say. I love Nelson Mandela so much, he is amazing. His grandson has done so much amazing work for the world and that's very inspiring. He has a degree in political science which makes me feel better about going for a BA in Africana studies. From his work alone, I see that I could work for organizations and committees and do amazing things with my degree.

I'm changing my major to liberal arts before I transfer schools. I think liberal arts will help with my doulaship.

One aspect of my childhood that bothers me so much is when I lived with my dad. Living with my dad was one of the most traumatic experiences that I had to live through, of many. I genuinely thought I wouldn't make it. I thought he would kill me. Now that an investigation has been opened where my dad was the suspect in my brother's death, my claims don't seem so absurd. Nobody ever told me that my dad went to prison for malice murder and assault with a deadly weapon. Something that can still make me sad is thinking about when my dad used to beat me with the metal buckle of his belt and record it. I would do something "bad" and he would try to make me take my clothes off so he can beat me all over my body with the buckle of his belt. I was 15. This was something that I grew to be ashamed of because nobody stood up for me. When my dad called me a bitch and a hoe, nobody cared. When I had welts over my back and arms from his belt buckle, nobody cared. And it still pai...

I think I have to trim my birds of paradise plant.

I sent in my application to NYU, I'm so excited and nervous at the same time to switch schools. My major will be a BA in Africana studies, but I may strive to get a masters or PhD honestly. I'm so excited to get a degree. I also want to get a degree in gender and sexuality studies, so I may double major. Or I may just come back to study that. I was also looking at Rutgers, but Rutgers doesn't have a degree in Africana studies... Just a certificate. But they do have advanced Yoruba classes. I really want to learn Yoruba so bad, all the music I listen to is in Yoruba and I've always wanted to speak a miminum of atleast 2 languages. Like I said, I'm really trying to change my life this year.