Sadié Sidney

Oh my goodness, I was worried sick about my future today. I was so sad and depressed. I have so much anxiety and confusion for my future, in regards to everything. It's not even regular anxiety, it's so debilitating to the point of major suffering. I suffer so much internally because of the abuse of my past marriage. When I think I'm ok and everything's just fine, I have days like today that humble me so quick. I was actually telling my childhood friend, Ari, that I don't think I'll ever feel a romantic love again. To her and to everyone else, it sounds so ridiculous, right? What's stopping me from ever being sought out by someone special? Nothing is. It's all in my mind. But, it feels so real to me and it feels so sad to the point that I don't want to even leave the house. Alot of it stems from my ex husband telling me nobody loves me, but him. And I have to stop myself from believing that. I have to tell myself that's not true. I am so isolated...

This calypta got me so tired and drowsy. But, at least, I'm sleeping. On the vraylar, I would be up every night at 3 am. It was so annoying. Plus, I would be so hungry on Vraylar too. On calypta, I'm not as hungry. Sometimes I can go a whole day without eating and I won't realize until like 11 pm (which I know is bad). I don't think I should really be eating meat, especially red meat. Yesterday I ordered a large braised oxtail with triple mac and cheese and I got so sick and nauseous. I need to go grocery shopping, but I've been so tired that it's been hard to do simple things. They say the drowsiness will subside, but I don't know. It's pretty strong. I'm also on semaglutide right now, because my doctor ordered it. I think around October my blood pressure was a little high and so I said I would start intermittent fasting. I did that and found out I had dumping syndrome and can't fast or I'll fall. Again. Last time I fell, I knocked myself ou...

Sweetest person I ever met with the greatest energy. I'm scared to get our pictures back because my eyelash was crooked when I got home. Such a wonderful, inspiring leader.

I'm planning a self-care day in New York next week. I mean, hopefully next week. I hope I'm not too tired or sad to go, but if I am that's ok too. No big deal. But yes, I was randomly thinking of Barnes and Noble and how big it is, how many books you can explore, and the Starbucks that they have. I love book stores, there's always something interesting that catches my eye. My ex husband was showing me this poem that he had to read in school and it was the most beautiful poem I ever read. It's called 'HOMELESS NOT HOPELESS' BY SOLA OWONIBI. I'm so interested in what they learn in school in Africa. To me, their education and history is so rich. One of the mentors at Columbia University was telling me about one of her Nigerian students who got accepted into Columbia soon after her internship. I am so enamored by what she learned back home in school, how she's taking America, if she likes it here, or if she misses home. I know that CUNY has some study a...

My first sewing project was so sweet and simple. A headband. I learned how to thread a machine, thread a bobbin, do a straight line, and a zig zag line. In one class, I learned so much. But it's insane because there's soooo much more to learn. So many endless projects. I was so nervous to go to the class, because I always feel like I'm not smart enough to be good at anything. Imposter syndrome. I was also scared I wasn't going to wake up on time for the class, but I woke up at 7:50 am, got ready, did light makeup, and was early. I'm so proud of myself... I don't think I'll start taking clients again (if ever?), but if so, I can make my little babies some cute headbands. That would be so sweet to show how much I love the little babies. My clients were my everything, my savior from an abusive marriage. They kept me alive, especially my premie babies. So strong and inspirational. I've always wanted to study fashion in London, it's really a fantasy. Not...

I went to see some Buddhist sisters tonight and I feel much better. We chanted for about 20 minutes. I just got home from taking a night walk by the water. I've been waking up so late lately, it's embarrasing. I've been getting out of the bed at like 5 pm. I was blaming it on the medicine, but I feel like, in part, it's me too. I don't want to wake up. I don't want to get out of bed. But day by day, I am working on finding things to get me out of the house. Things that make me happy and make me smile. Speaking of art dealing, there is an african art museum that sells pieces. I can't remember the name, but I think they're in Harlem. I cannot wait until I move so I can really start collecting. My apartment is way too small. My apartment can barely even hold all my purses and clothes. I'm constantly having to give away and donate things because I don't have enough closet space. I'm planning to move by the end of this year, but I also am planning...

I want to start getting into art dealing so bad. I don't see alot of art auctions near me, but I'm sure there are some. I love art so much, the pieces are priceless to me. I would have to move first if I ever want some historic pieces in my home.

It is so hard to believe that he's gone. It's so soon. I think the first time I was introduced to him was 2019. I had no idea who he was, but his music immediately resonated with me. If I'm being real, I don't keep up with celebrities. I don't keep up with who's hot and who's not. So, to be introduced to his music, his style, and all of his talents... It was life-changing. Beyond talented. Beyond creative. I couldn't even believe he was gone when I heard the news:(. He was just gettibg started, but he had one of the biggest impacts in music history. He literally had his own world that he ran. I love UK drill, I haven't listened in awhile so I can't name everybody I used to listen to. But UK drill has its own world. To understand the slang, the disses, the beef, you really have to know the history. Pop not only changed hip hop, but had such a big influence on UK drill. I can't even fathom where he would be today if he was still alive... his s...

minding my own business.. not bothering no damn body

I remember in middle school, there were girls that the boys would call "nat nats". I'm honestly not sure where that term even derives from, I'd have to check urban dictionary or something for the history. It basically means 'hoe', 'slut', or 'whore'. I always felt different than the other kids because they'd make up crazy rumors about these young ladies, bash their sexuality, and slut shame them. I truly didn't get it.... I know when I got to high school, my nudes got leaked at Tri Cities (I never went to Tri Cities, my brother Sidney did) and that was a whole fiasco. People were saying all types of things about me and calling me all types of names. Like... It's just a nipple? I don't get it? I think I was considered a Nat Nat at one point, but I'm not entirely sure. I didn't really hang out with anybody or talk to anybody when my nudes were leaked. I started working and enrolled in college. I just didn't have time f...

She just started sitting on my lap recently. She would never do it, she was still shy for a long time. She loves when I come home and pick her up and give her cuddles. She is such good company. Today she wanted to cuddle all day but I had to do some things in Hoboken and do 3 loads of laundry. I felt bad..

Highness

Every time I go to the nail salon, I forget about that damn cheese grater thing that they use on the bottom of my feet. That device is like tickle torture. Why am I still ticklish? Will this ever end? I really don't want to be 50 years old, still giggling at the nail salon. I've gotten better though. When I first started getting my nails done around 2016-2017, I would burst out laughing uncontrollably when they even touched my feet. It was just too much. Now, I can withstand a massage and the cheese grater thing on the soles of my feet. But when they get to the middle.... It literally feels like tickle torture. I have a hot spot on the bottom of my foot and I can literally have an orgasm just from my foot. It is so stupid and annoying. So I have to like hold in the giggles and the fucking moans and everything else that I'm going through. I've gotten better but it really used to get to the point where I couldn't even stand it. I felt like I was about to scream. But ...

I'm attending a sewing class on Saturday. I am so nervous and scared. Sometimes it takes me a long time to understand something, so I'm scared I won't get it on my first try or first class. But once I finally do get something, I get good at it. I just always have to motivate myself to keep going.

When I first started trading, I always aspired to buy big contracts. Especially Tesla. My eyes would get so big, imagining how much money I'd make trading Tesla. I got to that point and realized I really don't like Tesla, it's so volatile. I found SPX and really liked the contract size, which landed me to trading NDX. Now I love me some NDX. The contracts can be expensive at times for 0DTE, but they're worth it. Last month, I strived to make 1000/day with a 10,000 investment. I made about 25,000 last month. But I had to pay off 20,000 of debt and pay 5000 in taxes. So I restarted my account at 2000 a contract. Through this, I realized that it's quality over quantity. I aspired to make 100/day and have exceeded that goal. Today I made 800 off of a 3000 dollar contract. 22% is exceptional, because my goal is really make 5% a day. I also learned that I don't have to trade everyday, I can take breaks. I can rest. Last week, I only traded 2-3 days out of the week bu...

I forgot that this blog was mostly to document my mental health journey. I've been talking about everything else but. Recently, about a week or so ago, my psychiatrist switched me off of Vraylar to Calypta. I was off antipsychotics for a few days to clear out the vraylar, then I started Calypta. I am sooo tired. Exhausted actually. Part of it is my fault because I go to sleep so late. Most nights, I go to sleep at 2 am. Then I wake up around 2 pm. I don't like that... I don't like it because when I wake up at 8-9 am, I get things done before I start having to need a nap. If I'm up at 2, to me, the day is almost over at that point. In the sense of going out and handling business, considering I have to get ready, get dressed, and go. I've been so sluggish on this new medicine, I just want to stay in the bed and do nothing. I hate that so much, it makes me feel bad. It's 10 pm right now and I have some energy to get things done. I'm hoping that I'll have th...

Saved my life so many times and continues to keep me going everyday. I don't know why I think it's so cute that she's shy. When my buddhist sisters came over to chant with me, she hid under the covers. When she was little, she loved the maintenance man but she doesn't really like him anymore. She runs away from him. The other two people that she's met is my ex husband and my friend Salomon. It surprised me looking back because she loved Salomon and she doesn't come out for anybody. But she let him pet her. She never never does that. She is so unique and cute in her own way.

I went to see Ms.Tina Knowles and took a picture with her at Brooklyn Paramount. I just got home right now at like 11 pm. When I met her, she thanked me for coming and was so sweet. So sweet. She also told me I was gorgeous twice. If you would've told me that Tina Knowles would tell me I'm gorgeous twice when I was a little girl, I wouldn't have believed you. That honestly really touched my heart and meant alot to me. I really enjoyed her talk with Gayle King. She's so down to earth and cool. And FUNNY. I also enjoyed Deborah Cox too. When 'Nobody's Supposed to be Here' came in, I got so happy! I love that song and had it on repeat not too long ago. I haven't really checked out her other work, but she also sung 'We Can't Be Friends'. Now I love that song!!!!! I was listening to it on the way home from Brookyln. I wanted to go out to eat at either Il Mulino or Carbone, but I'm so tired. I'm exhausted. I just wanted to go home. I will ...

I decided I'm going to write in this blog full time, as long as I can. I want to post like 3 times a day. I have a really small blog with 300-600 views a month. An average blog has ~4,000 views a month. That doesn't bother me because I only had 1 view a month for a whole year. And then I realized when I would reread my work that I was that 1 view. I was the only person reading my blog for a year... But that one view kept me going. I would be so happy that one person cared enough to read my work. I am grateful I have a place to write, to express, and to feel with no filter. I can be and say what I want, when I want, how I want.

I can't remember the first time I watched this movie, I believe I was 16 or 17. I love this movie dearly. Such a moving piece. It reminds me of Danielle. Danielle was a dyke from my middle school that I was in love with. So in love. We were in a relationship and kept in contact for like 5 years. I remember the first time I saw her. I was in last period and she was there with her friends, sitting on a desk. I've seen dykes before, but she was different. She was so pretty, but also very masculine. She had the prettiest dark complexion. She wanted to have sex with me, but I couldn't really bring myself to do it. I felt like it was a bad idea. I didn't see us working out in the long run and she was always hurting my feelings. No matter the time or distance, she would always text me. She gave me so much attention. She even texted me when I moved to New York. Danielle... I showed my best friend Amaya a picture of her and she was like "She's so fucking fine. Let her ...

I don't know why I'm so shy when I have sex with people. I just feel like I look so stupid and I be having so many questions and so much anxiety. Is my eyelash crooked? Am I making dumb noises? Do I look like a fool while sucking dick? Ugh it's too much. I don't know where this comes from because when I was young in Atlanta, I was doing all types of crazy things. There's literally recordings of me doing crazy things. The only person that made me have an orgasm was my ex of three years. But it took like 2 years and so much patience and exploration. It was not that easy. I don't know how women just have an orgasm, especially off of penetration. How is that possible? I have so much internal scarring in my uterus, that I really don't think I can have one. I know they offer surgeries for internal scarring in the uterus, but I really don't want to do that.. I just don't want to. I mean, it could be life-changing though and maybe give me some relief. I coul...

This was the very first place I ever rented. I was 17 years old when I rented it. I just dropped out of University of West Georgia and this lady was looking for somebody to sublet because it was going to be too expensive for her and her two children. I'm eternally grateful to that lady because she let me sublet under her name until I turned 18 and the lease was transferred to me. I bought her furniture from her and it was a king size bed set, couches, tables, and all of her kitchen cutlery. She really changed my life... I was living with my mom and it was about 6 of us in a 2 bedroom. It was alot to deal with because my mom would get really aggresive with us on her medicine and she would call the police for no reason. She would call the police sometimes everyday. The College Park police knew who we were. That is so much to deal with when you're working two jobs and trying to chase a modeling contract. Sometimes she'd hit us and dare us to hit her back. I was so sad living ...

... I just got back home from New York, just right now. I had to go see my spirit guide because I had an episode on Monday. I did write in my blog about it, but I took it down because it was really dark. On Monday, I went to a Survivors of Incest Anonymous group in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. As soon as the meeting started, I felt a terribly dark, sad energy. It was very heavy and it almost brought me to tears. I don't usually feel like that when I attend groups, and I didn't want to just up and leave. So I stayed. I listened to everyone's story, and I shared my story. Immediately when I left the group, I felt a panic. An enormous amount of anxiety. I could barely get home without having a meltdown. When I did get home, I felt such a downheartedness within myself. I wanted to die. I was thinking of ways to end it all. Maybe a concoction of the rest of my antidepressants with my sleeping pills? Maybe binge my sleeping pills with my antipsychotics? I was even on the verge of writi...

I was going through my photos from when I was 17 and found these. They mean so much to me.. When I turned 17, my friends bought me a cake with Africa on it. It's a little hard to tell, but I remember what was supposed to be on there. They knew I loved Africa and was always talking about it. That was 8 years ago and that fact still stands true. Kiza is my bestfriend of going on 20 years next year. We met when I was 6 at Jesse Draper Boys and Girls Club and we've been inseperable ever since. We used to hang out every single day, when I was back home. People always thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend at Tri Cities. He's getting married soon and I know he'll be the best husband. So so kind and thoughtful. The screenshot of that conversation between the two gentlemen is old but it made me laugh lol.

Why in the HELL do I have baby fever? It's not so bad that I can't wait, but I'm over here looking up Wolof baby names. My pen pals from the Gambia taught me so much Wolof and I forgot everything! I started missing my penpals today and I whatsapp them and they responded in 5 seconds (literally). My heart is so full. I love them and her family loves me back. I need to visit them as soon as I can, it's been years. When I try to think back to my obsession with africa, it goes back to my childhood. When me and my brother were growing up, we were born on the northside. In Marietta. After my mom and dad seperated when I was 5, we moved to the southside. College Park, off of Virginia Ave. On the weekends, we'd go back to Marietta where we were born off of Canton Rd. We'd walk around the whole neighborhood and never really find any kids. One day we were walking around the neighborhood and these two boys were outside. The little one was born here, and the older one was b...

When I think about my relationships, the only relationship that sticks out to me is the longest relationship I had in Atlanta. All the other relationships don't really stand out to me because they didn't really last long, I was going through too much trauma at the time to be present. I also remember I had a FWB in Atlanta that I remember who was like 5+ years older than me who worked in the film industry. I think, at that time, he was producing on the Housewives of Atlanta. I look back at my FWB in curiosity. We would have sex, I'd spend the night, and I'd go on about my business. We didn't even speak to each other before we had sex, we would just start making out. And it was like that from the first time we laid eyes on each other. Sometimes he'd call me in between work and we'd laugh so hard on the phone and then wouldn't speak for x amount of time. And it was ok.. I didn't mind. I think it was ok because I just got out of a relationship that meant...

I love Newark so much. I don't go to Newark often, but when I do go I always enjoy myself. Yesterday I went to Newark to get my hair braided. I've been going to Newark to get my hair braided at the same shop for years now because they wash my hair soo good. Now that I apply the chebe powder to my hair, it is harder to get my hair clean. But at that shop, they scrub and massage my hair so good. I felt like I was in heaven yesterday. When I first moved out of my mom's house, I was renting a 2 bedroom house on my own in East Point. I'd always have company over my house. When I moved to NJ, I lived out of a suitcase for a year as I chased my dream of becoming a model. During COVID, I settled down in an apartment in Jersey. When I moved, it was during the worst of COVID. So, naturally, I didn't have any company and it's been that way for awhile. All of my friends are back home. I do have friends in Jersey/New York, but I just don't have company that often. With t...

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I want to do a nude shoot so bad

How the hell do people do this? I be wanting to tell my best friends, family, and close friends every little thing. Every little decision. I don't know where that stems from, probably from feeling like I'm not good enough or that I can't think for myself. I'm working on it so hard, but how do people do this everyday? How long do I have to "focus on myself"? Am I a damn fool? I have so many questions.. I just can't stop thinking about people, I want to share everything with everyone. I want to call my friends everyday, and I have to fight that urge. My ass has to get back into school, but it's going to take time for CUNY to review my transcripts and I may have to wait until the spring to enroll in my BA program. How am I supposed to survive on my own? I signed up for a sewing class, buddhist membership, and an important celebrity meet and greet. But I still think so deeply about everyone and I have to fight that urge to say that. I have to fight that ur...

One thing I used to hate hate hate about myself was that I was so sensitive. I just couldn't help it. Every little thing made me feel so strongly. I hate to defend myself, I'm scared what will happen next. That can be verbally, emotionally, physically.. I just don't want to do it. It's so strange that when I FINALLY do defend myself, people leave my crazy ass alone. But I hate to be pushed to that point. I wouldn't want to make someone feel the way that I felt when I was a little girl living with a drunkard, heroine addicted father who used to make her do sexual things at night. I'm just too sensitive. So many bad things have happened, I don't want anything else to happen to me. As I get older, I have learned that sometimes silence is your best defense. Not in every situation ofcourse, but silence is powerful. When I feel shame for my sensitivity and lack of natural defense, I feel better knowing that I don't have to say anything back. I don't have t...

I read Ms.Tina's book and never felt so heard, loved, and seen. I can tell that she cares. I can tell that she gives her all to everyone around her, and I just admire that. I admire kind, genuine people so so much. In a world like this, it is an accomplishment to be kind. It is an accomplishment to care, especially when nobody else does. I read 'Matriarch' cover to cover and walked away as a different person. When nearing the end of the book and she discusses her divorce, I was in tears. After everything she's accomplished in her life, she still felt like she's not enough. After all the love and care she's given, she has just now taken the time out to care for herself. That is such a raw, emotional thing to admit. How selfless can you be to tell the world that you don't think you deserve to be treated the way you deserve. How vulnerable. It brought me to tears because I feel that way too.. Everyday. It is a struggle to look myself in the mirror and know tha...

I started using an ambi exfoliator and I honestly forgot that my face hates exfoliation. I broke out so so bad from the exfoliation...like really really bad. I have to wear concealer everyday now because my skin is not happy. I threw out all my facial products and I'm starting back from 0 with baby products. I also bought some breastmilk+oatmeal soap, J&J baby soap, and oatmeal soap. My face LOVES oatmeal! I had to search long and wide for the oatmeal soap that I used to get at Afrocentric World in Atlanta. It took me hours to find the brand! The brand name is Sunaroma and they're located in Brooklyn. I literally bought like 20 soap bars, my face loved that soap when I was a teenager. When I was a teenager, my face had some really embarrassing breakouts. The only thing with my facial products is that I couldn't afford to buy what worked for me, neither could my family. We also didn't know that I had eczema on my whole body (including my face) so that was really toug...