Sadié Sidney

I love my big brother so so much. He was my favorite person in the world and I never thought that I'd have to be without him. I never thought I'd survive without him, but here I am. I have come to the point in my healing where I've realized he's not coming back. And you know, I'm ok with that. I'm ok with him not being here because he had such a hard life. A life filled with suffering, hardships, incest, extreme abuse, and tough times. I am so proud of how he overcame everything in his life and I know he's in a better place :) I no longer am so angry. I no longer cry tears of sadness, but I cry different tears these times. I cry because he's finally free. Free of all the severe abuse that he endured throughout his whole life. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I no longer ask God "Why?" No reason to question God. I will never love anyone as much as I loved my brother because he was so unique. Someone that didn't bother anyone and...

Nam myoho renge kyo I started chanting again and the emotional and spiritual results came almost instantly. I haven't been chanting for anything specifically, but I got a revelation today. The revelation is that my brother, Sidney, is free. For going on 5 years, I cried, I screamed, I hurt myself because I missed my brother. As of today, I realized that he's free. Nobody can hurt him anymore, nobody can touch him anymore, and I'm happy for him for that. I always walked around with a chip on my shoulder because I was so angry. Angry at the police. Angry at my father. Angry at the world. But most importantly, my brother is free. Something he never was his whole life. I'm on my way to go chant rn. I'm planning to read my favorite blog today and start from the beginning. http://chantforhappiness.blogspot.com/

I'm reading Anne Heche's book and she talks about the statistics of childhood s*xual abuse and it's astonishing. I cannot tell you how many times someone has told me their biggest secrets of being s*xually abused as a child because "Nicole, you're the only one that understands. You're the only one that would understand why I didn't tell anyone." It hurts my heart that it happens so frequently and so little is done about it. Children can't defend themselves properly and they are constantly being put in situations that are not appropriate for them. These are the same people that grow up to be called "crazy". I can't say this enough... Nobody's "crazy". Life is crazy. The whole world is crazy and what people are put through drives them to places in the mind that haven't been explored before. We have to remember that only a certain percentage of the brain is used. When people go through unimaginable things, it obviously...

I remember while I was reading Elizabeth Taylor's biography and someone saw the book in my hand. They laughed at Ms.Taylor and said "Ha, which husband is she on now?" I kindly reminded them of her work with AIDS and how amazing that was for the world and let that be the end of the conversation. It is so easy to judge someone who's been married 8 times because you don't know what that person has been through. Majority of her husbands were abusive and she had to leave to save herself. That is not a laughing matter. At least in my opinion. Being married 8 times doesn't make anyone less beautiful or desirable. I will always love Elizabeth for the work that she did for the world... That's what matters most.

I'm laughing at myself because I remember when I first put out my blog and only one person was reading it. Just one. Now that I think about it, that one person was ME lol. After I posted any content, I'd always go back and read it. So now, after a whole year, I realized for many months I was the only person who read my blog. As of today, I've had over 4000+ views and they're not me this time I swear. This blog is growing slowly but surely. Which means (in my head), I need to watch what I say. Be sensitive, gentle, and informed. I'm so glad I stopped being the only one reading my blog. I'm also glad that I didn't realize that until now, because maybe that would've made me sad.

I'm not going to nursing school, I'm studying to become an IBCLC. The prerequisites are the same, so it's not like I wasted my time in school thus far. I;m not equipped to deal with the things that nurses go through. I'm not equipped to even withstand nursing school. I'm too sick. It's so strange to admit that because when I was younger, I was superwoman. There was nothing that I couldn't do. Nothing that phased me. As of today, I am sick and still recovering. I'm not sure how long I'll be recovering, but I do know that schizophrenia is for life. Working in settings like that can be very triggering for me and I could hurt myself.

This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This is what I tell myself as I go through this new season of change. So many changes all at one time. This season I let so many people go. While it's been scary, it's also been rewarding. I have more time for myself. More time to think. More time to heal. More time to get better. My whole life I have been a caregiver, which leaves the question of who's going to take care of me? The answer is me. I can't take care of myself if I'm taking care of everyone else, it's not possible. I can't worry about everyone else and then neglect myself. That's essentially what I've been dealing with my whole life. Neglect. It makes me so sad inside to think about me being neglected in relationships and childhood. It's an ongoing ordeal that I'm currently breaking free from. The only way to really stop it is to love myself. It sounds so simple, but I stil struggle after all of these years to do so...

Yeah, I feel horrible about it. It's definitely not easy. So many things on my mind. But I will say, I try my best to focus on the things that I can control and I now try my best to let go of things that I cannot. Easier said than done, but I try.

Reading about Erica Kennedy (Rest in Peace) and her book 'Bling' (which I will be ordering soon) made me want to be a writer. I have so much respect for her and her book. When it comes to my writing, it's been hard for me to get a job. It's been hard for me to do anything other than stay in bed since I've been hospitalized. So I'll stick to blogging :) Tomorrow I volunteer at the homeless shelter which I'm happy about!

https://www.ebony.com/erica-an-amazing-woman-a-very-bad-day-511/ ​​ I found out about an amazing writer today. Her name is Erica Kennedy and she wrote a book named Bling. I look up to her in so many ways.

These songs really saved my life when I was down. Music has always soothed me and made me feel better about life. Music is life-saving, life-changing, and miraculous.

Sometimes I get so scared to post on here. I think I'm going to get 'in trouble' for saying how I truly feel. I think that comes from how I grew up. We were not allowed to say or show how we truly felt, so it is quite scary for me to have this blog sometimes. I get to say what I want, how I want, when I want, but comes with that is a certain level of shame, guilt, and confusion. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I hurt someone? What if I say something offensive? These are questions that I ask myself on a daily basis. I won't lie, this blog has become a big part of my life. I think about it quite often. It's like I finally have a place where I can be myself. I have an outlet. I was going to say that I wish I had this blog when I was younger, but I'm not all quite sure about that. On one hand, I think it would've been a great tool. On the other hand, I may have said something ignorant because I was a child. I question my notions on that because I've a...

-Brutally Honest by Melanie Brown ​​ -Call Me Crazy by Anne Heche ​​ -Monica's Story by Andrew Morton ​​ -Racing Hummingbirds by Jeanann Verlee (Read this book many times and gave my copy away) ​​ -Breaking night by Liz Murray ​​ -Cinderella Man: James J. Braddock, Max Baer, and the Greatest Upset in Boxing History by Jeremy Schaap ​​ -The Buddha Next Door: Ordinary People, Extraordinary Stories Book by Greg Martin and Zan Gaudioso

These are all the places that have viewed my blog. I think that is so amazing. There are even some readers in the Barbados and Pakistan which I thought was so beautiful.

I moved across the country to get away from it. I tried to cut my hair. I tried to cut it out my body. I tried to wash it off. I tried to scrub it clean. I tried to change my religion. I tried to change my whole personality. And somehow, I still have that scent on me. The scent of being touched. The ones who know, know. It's like once one person touches you, more vultures smell you out. I feel so dirty. Dirty little girl. I tried everything to get rid of that scent but it clings to me like no other. Since I was a little girl, I've always attracted men. Men angry at me. Men who want to fuck me and then choke me out. Men that hate me. I hate being 'that' person where I'm angry all the time, but sometimes I can't help it. I can't be happy all the time. I can't smile all the time. Sometimes I have to scream it out like my first visit to the psych ward. I screamed and I screamed and I screamed until they tranquilized me. The ones who know, know. They know I...

This tea is so good, there's nothing like it. It makes me feel so happy inside. I steep two tea bags, add two spoons of sugar (alot I know), add honey with comb, and then a slice of lemon.. It feels and tastes so good. I know this is bad, but I've been craving kool aid for some reason. Especially the blue packet one. I think I'm going to get some kool aid soon. Me and my sister used to make kool aid pies and they were so good. I want to try all these flavors, they look so so good. Especially the lemon one. I'm getting my hair done next month and I'm curious to see how long it's gotten. I don't know if I'll straighten it because it's getting cold and it may not last long. Bantu knots I was thinking. Maybe a braided style with bantu knots, something beautiful and lovely of course. I don't know why I'm up. I'm having trouble sleeping and it's probably because I'm not praying. I'm not praying because I'm having my cycle. So,...

I really want to read Anne Heche's book named 'Call Me Crazy'. It talks about so many things that I can relate to. I hate when people call someone crazy. Misunderstood. Misloved. Abused. Hated for no reason. Uncared for. Unloved when they needed it the most. Those are better terms to use. I think if you want to hide something, put it in a book. Only people that truly care are going to read every word you say and hang on to it. If I can, I want to write many, many books. What I went through could last me many lifetimes. Something I was thinking about today was when one of my older brothers trying to show me his penis when I was in middle school. It still haunts me to this day, like many things I've been through. He also rubbed me in between my thighs. It's so many things that I want to talk about. Things that I've never told anyone... Right now, I'm reading a book named "Calling In 'The One'". Like I said, in previous posts, I am not lookin...

School has really been getting on my nerves, I can't wait for it to be over and for me to get my IBCLC. I'm kind of scared about the IBCLC test, but I know I'll do my best to pass it.

I plan to post more on here everyday. My blog is actually growing which I'm so surprised about. My plan was to just post my heart and let people find it and that's what's been happening. I didn't want to really talk about my blog too much, although I did attach it to my instagram. My instagram isn't where most people find my blog, which is what I wanted. I planned to help people who struggle. People like me. People who look like me, act like me, have been abandoned like me...

It's like there's nobody else out there but you. Reading spiritual books honestly makes that feeling worse. It's a scary feeling. You almost feel in control of the world (yes I know it sounds 'crazy') because you ARE the world. I have had three very bad schizophrenic breaks in my life and my first break was the scariest. I looked nothing like myself, I was unrecognizable. Everything I'd eat would come back up. I was so skinny. I think I lost like 100 pounds in just a few months. I wouldn't wish schizophrenia on anyone. I've been hearing voices since I was young. I told my parents about it but they told me to just ignore it. I did that pretty well until about puberty. Now that I've experienced years of DV and gaslighting, it's gotten a bit worse. I can ignore it most times and my meds help with that, but I still struggle. Sometimes when I talk to people, I just hope that they're real people and I'm not just talking to myself. How do I know...

I'm reading this book about the importance of cleaning out past relationships and I never even thought to do that. The idea has been introduced to me but I just shrugged it off. So, today, I cleaned out everything from my past lovers. That included paintings, rings, jewelry, clothes, love notes, literally everything. I kept everything from all of my lovers because I just never wanted to forget about anyone. Don't know why I cared that much when most of them abused me or used me. But I kept everything and never threw anything away. So, today I grabbed a trash bag and gathered all of it and threw it away. I was blown away by everything that I kept. Some of the love notes I had forgotten about and they made me emotional all over again thinking about "What could've been?" Which is exactly why everything needs to be thrown out and forgotten about. I feel a big weight off my chest and I think I can start sleeping better at night now that all of that is out of my house.

I have always struggled with being loved, including the constant struggle with loving myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror and hate who I see. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wish I was someone else. I wish I had someone else's cadence, talents, grace, confidence, and self-assured guidance... Lately, that has changed for me. The switch that has turned on is focusing on myself. I did that many, many years ago in 2017 and my life was wonderful. I focused on myself with no distractions and I accomplished many things. This time around, I want to focus on myself for the rest of my life. Last time, I succumbed to my abusive ex and that was almost the death of me. Literally and figuratively. He almost killed me and almost drove me to suicide. To this day, whenever I think of him, I get a sense that he hated me. He must have hated me for the way that he treated me and talked to me. I wouldn't even talk to a dog the way that he talked to me. This time around, I am not looking for ...

I finished the book 'Don't Tell Anybody The Secrets I Told You' and I'm very impressed. It was such a great book!! I love Lucinda very much.

I want to write another book so so bad. So much has happened since I last published in 2018, I have so much to say and talk about. Although, I do feel like my writing skills could take some more work. I'm inspired by the book that I'm reading by Lucinda Williams. She talks about how she didn't break out until she was in her 40s and that gave me some hope. Some days I feel like I don't have a chance anymore in this world because I'm getting older and "Who would care about what I have to say anyways?"I get so surprised when anyone reads my blog. I never thought anyone would ever read my blog, if we're being honest. I remember when I was writing my book and I couldn't pay anyone to read my poetry. I couldn't pay anyone to care about what I had to say in any capacity. So, I still feel it's unreal that anyone reads this blog. I didn't think anyone would find it. But thousands of people have read and seen it so far. It makes me want to cry. T...

Today is the first night that I slept 6 hours without melatonin. It's still not enough hours in compatison to how many I usually sleep. I usually sleep for like 8-12 hours when I'm not sick. But I am so happy about that. If I don't sleep properly, it can trigger my schizophrenia and I have to go to the psych ward. I do not like going to the psych ward, so I'm grateful that I'm back sleeping. There's so many things that I want to say right now in this blog, but I'm struggling with how to say it. I do want to say that I'm happy I have this outlet. So happy. I feel like my whole life I have never been able to express myself properly without being yelled at or hit. (So some days I do have a fear posting on this blog for that reason, but I still follow through). I've been told many times that I'm spoiled even though I grew up in a homeless shelter and had my first rape kit when I was 5. If I'm spoiled, then what does it look like to be treated wel...

So, I found a concoction that works for me sleeping. I take 1/2 a melatonin gummy and one of my hair pills that makes me sleepy. Me not sleeping actually aligns with Qiyam and Fajr, but I still do not enjoy not getting enough rest. It makes me anxious and gives me the worst headaches. Suprisngly today I finished all my school work. I did not feel like doing my school work at all lol. Soon we have thanksgiving break and I can get some rest. I got a notification today that a stock I invested in (CEG) is giving out dividends on Thursday. I am very surprised by this. I've never received a dividend on a stock before. I just started trading last month so all of this is very new to me. I think I'm going to invest in Microsoft on Friday as well, but I'm not entirely sure. I try not to overdo it on the stocks because I'm still so new and I hate losing money. I've been really sad lately so I wanted to start getting into tv shows. I always hated TV shows for some reason. I alw...

It's been a rough few months for me honestly. I've been sick on and off, which is expected with 6 disabilities. I can't sleep right now, I'm only getting about 2-3 hours of sleep at night even with the help of melatonin. I have so many things triggering me right now that it's hard on me. As I thought about the past, I realized that I've had 3 attempts in just one years time that all led to hospitalizations. As I think about that, it makes me so sad sometimes. In those moments, I felt so alone. So hopeless and felt like nobody cares about me anyways. My lowest points. When people ask me how I'm doing, I always lie and say "all is well", but in reality it is so so hard for me. Hard for me to think, breathe, eat, bathe myself, love myself, talk to people, be around people... Living in general is just so hard on me. I am not s******* as of today, but I am a bit disappointed in life. I miss my brother and grandma so much, they were my rock. Without them...

I've attended two lactation basics classes through my doula agency from a IBCLC. I'm learning so much. What really helped me learn about latching is CHAMP: -Chin is touchibg breast -Mouth is wide open -Areola (not just nipple) -Minimal Discomfort -Patterns of sucks ratio (1:1) I am so excited to become an IBCLC and learn more about lactation.

Today I went to a La Leche League meeting to meet with a client

I am so excited to help out new mothers. I have a La Leche League meeting tomorrow where I'm helping out clients. I'm also volunteering at a homeless shelter next week. I haven't volunteered at a homeless shelter in awhile honestly. I've been so busy with school and making sure I get enough rest. These last couple of weeks have been so hard for me as I struggle with nightmares and PTSD from being triggered. But helping out the new mommies makes me so happy. Also praying five times a day brings a certain calmness and peace in my life. I did some trades this week so let's see how much money I make tomorrow. The stock market has been so slow this week, it's crazy. But I have to keep in mind that it's a new quarter.

This was my first time frying chicken. Next time I'm going to let it soak in pickle juice to give it more flavor.

Reading Lucinda's book has brought out so many memories in me. As I read these autobiographies, it makes me think of my late brother so much. Sidney was so sensitive. It was hard to watch sometimes because his heart was so pure. When he used to get whoopings, I used to cry because it was so hard to listen to. He really was an angel. I remember when we were growing up my dad would take my brother to the garage and make him strip. He'd then whoop him viciously and Sidney would cry so bad. I still think about that and how it hurt him. I think about alot of things. He was just too good for this world. I get sad because I miss him, but there's a part of me that knows he's in a better place. And my tears of sadness turn. I have a very soft spot for sensitive people and always will. I get scared that someone will do something to them that makes them want to leave the world. It's a sick world out here with very bad people. It's alot to take in at times. I feel for the ...

Having low self esteem affects every area of my life from friendships, romantic relationships, and parental relationships. I really believe my self esteem issues stem from my parents. I was always a bother to my parents. I was never good enough. I was always pushed around, hit, and told I was ugly by my mother when I was just 6 years old. Those are words I will never forget. Moments that won't leave my mind. Ever. My dad would never tell me I was pretty. When I called CPS on my parents, I was told that they only handle 'serious' cases despite my dad sneaking into my room almost every night to touch me and my mom beating us until we had black eyes.In so many ways, I was taught to take it. In so many ways, I was taught that I deserved that treatment. In more ways than one, I was taught that I'd never amount to anything. When I get down, I remember those hard times and it makes me sink into a lower depression. Even though people say they understand me, they don't. Beca...

I volunteer with Psotpartum Support International helping parents deal with feelings of anxiety and depression. To be honest, it makes me so happy that I can help others. I love it! Right now, I'm seeking my PMH-C which is a perinatal mental health certiificate. I will have to volunteer with PSI for two years in order to test for my PMH-C. I'm so excited about what the future holds in relation to my doula career... I have a bit of school work to do today. I think I have three papers due by Wednesday 11:59 pm, but I'll finish them today. I wake up early to complete fajr and then I can't go back to sleep after that, which I don't like. I've been reading so so much, especially Islamic books. They help keep me calm.

Praying five times a day really does help keep me calm and balanced. I accomplished alot today and I feel like I can attribute that to me praying five times a day. My friends from Gambia suggest that I pray at the mosque five times a day, but I don't think that's realistic. I can try to go to the mosque once a day for Dhuhr because the mosque is a 40 minute walk from me. I will try my best to go as much as possible, I like it there. I feel so happy. Saying my shahada gave me so much peace.

I've been wakihg up everyday at 5 which is the perfect time to do my first prayers. I'm going to the mosque today which I'm happy about. I love the mosque